Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #60 The Devil – 22nd – 28th December 2014

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Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #58: The Devil – 15th – 22nd December 2014
Well, that’s a ruddy surprise, me pulling that card out of the twenty that I haven’t done yet. I actually do pull them out of a pack you know, it’s all totally random. Or at least that’s how it would seem to the casual observer. But you and I know, gentle reader, that a force greater than we could possibly understand guides my hand to the card which is most significant.
I was surprised to draw the ruddy Devil, as my Nephew Michael played the part of the Devil in the Bar Steward Sons of Val Doonican‘s Pantomime thing in Barnsley the other night. On stage, in front of a ruddy audience, if you please. Well, he didn’t actually play the Devil himself. He used a ventriloquist puppet sort of thing. And in case you were wondering, yes, everyone in the ruddy house could see his lips moving. Even the blind bloke who came. His sighted interpreter told him. “If he’s a ruddy ventriloquist,” he said “I’m one of those Gordon Blair chefs.
I must admit, I was a bit put out. He has turned his back on me for a ruddy puppet. I was relegated to pulling the raffle tickets at the ruddy interval. After all I have done for him an’all!
Any road. To business. Look at that Devil’s face. He’s a miserable looking so and so, isn’t he? And he has let himself go a bit in the pubic hair department an’all. He has let them get completely out of control. I bet it takes him half an hour to find his John Thomas when he goes to the toilet. And by the time that he has found it, I’ll bet it’s usually too late. I bet he stinks to high heaven.
In contrast, them two young uns chained to his stump have no pubes at all. But they have got tails around the back. His is on fire and she’s eating ruddy grapes out of the end of hers. It is obvious to me that the pair of them have been dabbling with forces that they don’t understand, and fallen under the wicked influence of Lord Satan himself. So just watch out what you get up to this Christmas. Stay off excessive drinking, ouija boards and taking things up the back passage. You wouldn’t want to end up chained to the Devils stump, would you!
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Make sure that any old people you know are well looked after this Christmas. Don’t leave them on their own performing menial tasks like pulling raffle tickets. (ii) Give your pubes a trim. It’s only hygienic. You don’t want them attracting lice or other small creatures. Do you? (iii) If anyone offers you a grape, make sure that you know where they got it from. Ask to see the rest of the bunch if necessary. I would hate to think that I was eating a grape that had come out of the end of some filthy hussy’s tail. (iv) Have a lovely Christmas, and at some point, raise a glass of sherry to your old friend Auntie Doris.

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