Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #12: Auntie Doris

the-end-or-is-it

I had been dead for about 17 years before I first manifested myself through that ruddy nephew of mine. At first I was just helping him out with clairvoyant acts now and again, which was just basically him showing off in front of his mates down at the pub. I still do a bit of that now. I’ll be doing a pantomime with him this year at a proper ruddy theatre an’all, just like I did last year. But when it boils down to it, he’s still just showing off in front of his ruddy mates.
It was my idea to start writing these little homilies every day. I started writing them on the Facebook last October, with Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac, and after that I developed a taste for the writing, so I carried on with it. My ruddy nephew thought he was onto a winner. After a few months he decided that I was too good for Facebook, so he starts having them put on what he calls a “blog” on the WordPress, and by then he was pushing me to write 500+ words a day. But do you know what? I ruddy enjoyed the discipline. And so did he. Although part of his discipline was wearing a pair of my old tights to help him “summon my spirit” even though if I have told him once, I have told him a hundred times that he doesn’t ruddy need to. The filthy so and so.
Any road. I have now been producing an article a day for a year. And it is time to stop. No more daily homily from me. I have had enough of it. All things must pass. But don’t go thinking that you have heard the last of me. Ohh no.
Michael’s idea was that he would collect all my little homilies and then try and get them published under a title like “Auntie Doris’s Almanac,” and then, with my help he would become a world famous writer. But as things developed, we both changed our minds. That’s why we are both comfortable with having all the articles since March on that WordPress Site where all and sundry can find it and read it to their heart’s content. And once we are not writing every day, the ones from before last March will be going up soon, so you will be able to see how much better I am at stringing sentences together than I was last October.
When I was a young lass at school, I had an art teacher called Mrs Johnson. And in one of her lessons I drew a picture of the King in his carriage in London with all the horses and soldiers and that. Some of it I copied out of a book, and some of it was out of my imagination. Mrs Johnson said that it was a vet good picture, but I thought that she was being kind. It was ok. But the horses’ legs looked a bit wrong, like they came out of the wrong parts of their bodies and were a bit wonky. The Kings fingers were the wrong size for his hand, and the wheels of his carriage were all wrong. I took it home and worked on it for three nights, rubbing bits out here and there, re drawing bits, and slowly improving it. When I took it back to show Mrs Johnson, she really did seem thrilled, and made a real fuss of me for going that extra mile, and making something that was good into something that was really, really good.
And that’s how I feel about all this writing. I’m not letting my ruddy nephew waste it by publishing something that’s only half polished. And that’s the main reason that I am not going to write daily homilies any more.
Here’s the plan. Me and Michael are going to put in some real work on “The Auntie Doris Years” from 1900 to 2000. Expanding them and filling in more detail about the history involved, both the textbook history and the stories of how me and my family responded to it. Its not going anywhere to be published until I have all the horses legs, the kings fingers and the undercarriage worked out properly. Then we will see what happens.
I’m not leaving the ruddy internet alone completely though. Theres still about 28 Tarot Cards to do, and I’m not stopping the Sunday Posts until I’ve done them. And I will still be doing the occasional “Auntie Doris’s Book Club” and stuff like that. I will also be doing a regular weekly post about how the work on the other stuff is coming on, without giving too much away, so that people will still want to buy it when it comes out as a book. And then there’ll be negotiating the film rights. I have thought about it, and want that Helen Mirren to play me. And Timothy Spall to play my nephew Michael. He has just the right gormless expression.
I will only be putting the writing on WordPress from now on though, and just linking to it from Facebook. I know that many of my l;oyal Facebook friends will consider this to be a bit of a pain in the arse. But there you go…. All things must pass.
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6 thoughts on “Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #12: Auntie Doris

  1. Shattered. And all so sudden. I feel like a priceless crystal vase that’s been dropped and smashed to buggery in an instant. I hope my friends don’t get shafted gathering shafts. Thank goodness you’re still going to be posting bits. That way I can wean myself off suckling from your copiousness. Great-Aunt Doris, I think a honed “The Auntie Doris Years” is a great idea and wish you good luck for it. I will not go to the movie however, as is the case for me with “The Lord of the Rings”, I prefer works of epic stature to ferment in my mind rather than fade away on the silver screen. Take all this as an all-the-best. I finish my blog on 31/12/2014.

    • Bruce, Dear, i shall take it as an all the best, and im not actually going, just slowing. I hope that you are still around in some form in 2015. Like you, i prefer the joy of a long read to the celluloid. But you never know….

  2. A spectacular run. I wasn’t reading in the beginning but since I have been it seems every single one is unexpectedly quirky, fun, and really witty. But I know what you mean – I look back at some of my early posts, which I thought were so brilliant at the time, and want to change my name. But, oh, you already did that. JK. So many cheers to you – you’re just terrific.

  3. Thank you so much Jan dear. I have met some lovely people and read some wonderful things since I discovered the internet and the world of blogging. And you figure high on my list. It’s nice to have a hobby, but I could do with a bit more time to enjoy being dead. I owe it to myself.

  4. I suppose part of being dead is enjoying a nice rest, which you, Auntie certainly deserve. Your posts are a treasure after a crap day. I especially loved your Auntie Doris years, learned me good. Thank You.

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