Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #4: The Roman Empire

The Roman Empire was ruddy massive. Talk about a unified Europe. Them Romans had it. They had unified from Britain, France and Spain, and Germany, all the way down over the ruddy Mediterranean to Egypt, and then into Turkey and Syria and all them places. Imagine if all that got unified today. Nigel Fromage would have a duck fit. The way I see it, there’s nowt wrong with a bit of unity as long as you have peace and co-operation. The Romans had plenty of that. But then they also had slavery, and feeding Christians to the lions and stuff like that. Then again, I don’t think that the current European Parlaiment in Brussels want to introduce slavery and feeding people with different religions to the lions. That sounds more like the ruddy Tories, who are on about trying to get out of European Human Rights laws. Honestly!
Any road. There it was… The Roman Empire; a unified Europe, and suddenly it all went wrong.
Apparently nobody has ever properly worked out why. But this bloke called Edward the Gibbon wrote a big six volume book about it back in the 1780s.
Apparently each of the six volumes has well over a thousand pages, and it is so intellectual that no one has ever read all six volumes without going stark staring mad. Even Steven Fry couldn’t manage it, and Albert Einstein used to have straight hair until he hit volume three, then he gave up because he found it easier to work out the theory of relativity,
Any Road, the upshot of it was, according to the Gibbon, that the Romans got too big for their own boots, and couldn’t manage to rule it properly what with the distances involved and the fact that they hadn’t invented telephones or telegraphs yet, never mind the ruddy internet.
It also didn’t help that there was volcanoes going off all the time in Italy and turning all the people into stone, usually whilst they were doing embarrassing things like having a shite in communal toilets where they had to wipe their arses with a sponge on a ruddy stick, or having it off whilst drunk in brothels. You would have thought that if they knew that a volcano was about to blow off, they would have made sure that they were doing something noble or respectable, like working in the garden, or hanging out the washing. But then again, they had slaves to do that sort of thing, so they were all probably debauched. Like the Tory party.
The last straw came when the emperor Nero accidentally set fire to Rome, and then instead of trying to put it out, or at least ringing the ruddy fire brigade, he just fiddled with himself whilst it burned. That’s what the roman Empire had come to by the end. People shoving sponges and things up their back passages and fiddling with themselves. There are so many parallels with the modern Conservative party that its uncanny.
Still, in its golden age, the Roman Empire had achieved great things, public baths, straight roads, the alphabet and Latin rhythms. Its almost a shame that it all went to pot. But… all things must pass.

2 thoughts on “Auntie Doris’s All Things Must Pass #4: The Roman Empire

  1. Let’s not forget they made plumbing common for all self-respecting citizens… and the pipes with lead so everyone who drank the water went crazy. The Romans were fascinatingly insane.
    And their Latin rhythms…

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