Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #9: Gay Vicars

They had all this nonsense about not letting women be vicars. Of course it was ruddy nonsense. As if a woman couldn’t do as good a job at being a vicar as a man could. It’s obvious to me that women could actually do a better job at vicaring than men. Let’s face it. Women aren’t always thinking about having carnal relations all the time like men are. Men are naturally filthy so and so’s, who, if they try really hard, can just about manage to think about ordinary things for short periods of time, and then their thoughts stray back to some sort of filthy act of carnal knowledge. Women’s minds, on the other hand, naturally tend to be drawn to the sort of things that vicars are supposed to be good at; things like common sense, talking to people, judging at village fetes and having jumble sales. It’s not as if vicars actually ever get on with mending the church roof that they are forever raising money for, they just get a bloke to do it for them, which is what I would do. What any woman would do.

Eventually the church saw sense, and allowed women to become vicars, in 1992. They stated with Dawn French who made a good job of it, and nowadays there are lots of women vicars.although they are still arguing the toss about women bishops, or if they have finished arguing the toss about it, they haven’t actually got any yet.
Any road, things have moved on, and now they are having a load of nonsense about not letting homosexuals become vicars. Which is an even bigger pile of ruddy nonsense if you ask me. For a start, I don’t reckon that there’s all that much difference between an homosexual man and any other men. They are still men aren’t they? They might be obsessed about a slightly different form of carnal knowledge, but I bet that they are still ruddy well obsessed with it, to the point that it might hamper their ability to judge a giant marrow competition, or behave themselves in the vestry. Homosexual men would be no better or no worse at being vicars than other men would be. Actually, the might be a little bit better, because they might have more of an understanding of what it’s like to be picked on just because of who they are. And I would imagine that that sort of understanding would come in handy for a vicar.
But then there are homosexual women an’all. I reckon that they would make absolutely ruddy brilliant vicars. On account of the fact that they would have all the qualities of women vicars, and there would be absolutely no chance that they would get bossed around by blokes at all. In fact, I reckon that there would be some homosexual woman vicars who would fix the ruddy church roof themselves, and when they fixed it, it would stay fixed, and woe betide anyone who got caught trying to pinch the lead off it afterwards. They wouldn’t brook any nonsense like that.
So as the 21st century develops, I reckon that the Church of England will gradually be taken over by homosexual women, first as vicars, then as bishops, until by the end of the century, the Archbishop of Canterbury will be a couple of lesbians. And good luck to them too.

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