Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #6: Celebrities

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Everyone seems to be ruddy well celebrity mad these days. I know that we had celebrities in my day. Norman Wisdom for a start, and Fanny Craddock, Mohammed Ali, Bing Crosby, Mike and Bernie Winters, they were all good at something. They had talent first and celebrity status second. Yes, I know that we liked to read a bit about them in the papers. But we weren’t celebrity mad. We didn’t want to know the ins and outs of everything to do with them. All the details of their love lives, how they were struggling with their diets, and who they had fallen out with. Basically we wanted to know if they were making another film, or record, or television programme. I never even knew that Liberace liked having carnal relations with men. Not that I would have been bothered if I did know. He was a ruddy good pianist and he had some lovely jewelry. That’s all I needed to know. We all knew that Morecambe and Wise slept together, but no one was bothered about that. They were funny men who made us laugh. We never even wondered what their wives thought of their sleeping arrangements. It was none of our ruddy business.
I suppose that the difference is that these days there are too many celebrities without any talent to speak of. Noel Edmonds, Jeremy Clarkson, Phil Collins, Fern Cotton, Christa Ackroyd, the list is endless. “Personalities,” not experts or entertainers. “personalities,” Celebrities” Nobody is really bothered when they are doing something new. They just want the ruddy gossip.
That’s where that Rupert Murdoch came unstuck. He got the people who worked for his newspaper “The News of the World” to tap the computerised telephones of celebrities and find out the stuff that they didn’t want us to know about. And the celebrities were up in arms about it. Phil Collins thought that his male pattern baldness was one of the best kept secrets in showbusiness, So did Noel Edmonds. And Jeremy Clarkson… Well, we all know what’s wrong with men who are obsessed with big cars, and I suppose that’s why he ordered them suction tubes from that clinic in London.
Any Road, there was questions asked in Parliament about it, and Murdoch had to pretend that he didn’t know what had been going on, and change the name of the “News of the World” to the “Sunday Sun” so that he could continue to print his salaciaous shite, but this time only finding it out by rifling through peoples dustbins rather than messing with their telephones.
So now the only people who are allowed to fiddle with peoples computerised telephones are the hackers on the internet. And they are so good at it, that Celebrities have had to stop taking photographs of themselves without any clothes on. Unless they actually want all and sundry to be slavering all over their images and thinking lewd thoughts.
Which I suppose most of them do. That’s why they became celebrities in the first place. Particularly Jeremy Clarkson. He ruddy revels in it. It makes him feel important in a way that his tiny little stump of a personality never could.
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7 thoughts on “Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #6: Celebrities

  1. But Auntie Doris, you yourself are a celebrity in my eyes. And we have no need to hack into your private life because I have no doubt you have an immaculate record.

      • http://rantforever.wordpress.com/2014/09/27/celebrities-why-they-suck/

        I don’t know the proper way to link blogs I hope that works. I find their paycheck offensive in a world where so many work so hard and still can’t make rent. Teachers, cops, even doctors salaries will never come close. I hate how they preach about how we need to conserve the earth while they fuel several houses, cars, and private jets. They brag about their charities and condescendingly tell us to do the same right after a TV interview in which they show off a $200 tshirt they just bought their own baby. I’m not bitter, just confused. And a lil sad. Arts and entertainment are important, although the budget for the arts in public schools is continuously cut when it’s been proven to do so much for the development of children.

        The treatment of war veterans in this country, meanwhile, is shameful. Public awareness has grown but it doesn’t touch the fervor of celebrity worship.

        And…oh I just hate an entitled attitude. Haha.

        And now I’ve ranted all over your page! And not even very well either. I do appreciate yours Auntie. Maybe I’ll put $12 in a jar every time I wanna see a movie and mail it to you someday.

      • And then I posted a rant I wrote about 9 years ago when I had more energy, words, and anger. That’s youth though. Anyway it’s in my vintage category along with other things that used to drive me nuts haha

  2. Thank you dear, I enjoyed reading your views all over my page. As for your $12 idea. I don’t need money…. I’m dead. I just put that PayPal thing down the side to see if I can catch unsuspecting self publicists.

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