Auntie Doris in the 21st Century #5: Teleportation


What with all that quantum theory stuff, the scientists think they might be on the edge of a breakthrough in that teleportation lark. Not that they are ready to start beaming people to other planets like Scottie did with captain Kirk and Mister Spock on Star Trek, or even beaming people around this planet, to save on petrol. No they haven’t actually achieved all that much, but that’s no real surprise, as most of them working on the project are men.
Albert Einstein famously said that Teleportation would never hcheeseappen because man would never be able to harness the power of “Spunkshafte Fernwirkung” or “spooky action at a distance.” But perhaps developments in the 20th century will eventually prove him wrong.
In 2001, some boffins in Australia managed to teleport a laser beam about a yard. What happened was, they shone the laser beam at the teleporter, where it seemed to stop, and then about a metre away it started again. They reckon that they were teleporting the photons (which are like the atoms that light is made of) over the gap. Strikes me that it would get there just as quick without the ruddy teleporter, but maybe that’s just me being a non scientist.
Then the other week some dutch people sent a particle of something about three yards across their laboratory. I don’t know what it was, but knowing the Dutch, it was probably a ball of cheese. Maybe they beamed it from one bloke’s sandwich into another’s. I bet the first bloke was annoyed when the second one ate it.
Any road, they will have to be careful, doing experiments like that. That’s how the human fly started, when Professor Vincent Price of the University of Tinseltown tried to teleport himself across a laboratory, and a ruddy fly flew into the machine and got mixed up with him. He came out the other side with an enormous fly’s head and a compulsive desire to hover around piles of shite. The poor old fly ended up with Vincent Price’s head and a tiny squeaky voice. It came to a sticky end when somebody trod on it.
Of course, if they ever get it right, the concept of teleportation will make somebody a ruddy fortune. Personally I hope that its that Richard Branston who discovers it, because I like him, and it’ll save him getting all stressed about balloons, aeroplanes and trains. People will just be able to teleport everywhere.
But it will also have a hundred and one other applications. My Raymond used to be a slave to his waterworks, and had to get up regularly during the night to relieve himself. He would have loved it if the doctors could have fitted him with a little teleporter inside his bladder, that could beam the wee directly into the toilet without him having to get out of bed.
And why stop at wee? All bodily waste could be teleported directly to the toilet. Or even directly to the sewage works, to save you having to pull the chain when you got up in the morning. In fact, I reckon that within the next hundred years, toilets will be as rare as house phones. Why bother with things that you don’t need? Everybody will be fiddling with their pocket computerised telephones so much that they won’t have time to go to the toilet, but they will have all downloaded little “apps” which “talk” to the teleporters inside their bladders and intestines, and beam all the wee and shite clean out of their bodies. If you have any shares in toilet paper, its time to sell!

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