Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #47 The Three of Swords 22nd -28th September 2014

I’ll tell you one thing for nothing. You are not going to last very long with three ruddy swords stuck in your heart, are you! So it’s a good job that this is a figurative heart with three figurative swords stuck in it. But theres no escaping the fact that it is still going to hurt.
What with the heart representing love and the swords representing conflict and struggle, and what with there being three of them, it doesn’t take much to work out that this card represents the age old problem of the love triangle. A love triangle is where three people are locked in conflict because two of them love the other one, who can’t make their ruddy minds up, or somehow can’t have the one they want. This usually happens in Barbara Cartland Books, or in the “My Weekly Pocket Library” Sometimes the two who both love the other one end up giving up on her, because they realise that they are actually in love with each other more than they are with her. That sort of thing never happened in Barbara Cartland or My Weekly, But it did happen to our Madge once, when she went on a mini cruise round the Isle of Wight with the over fifties singles club. On the coach journey down, she got talking to this bloke called Lionel. All very nautical he was, with a ship’s crest on his blazer and his glasses on a chain to save them if they fell off during a storm. He bought her a Cornish pastie dinner at the service station near Peterborough, and sat next to her from there to Southampton. But when they were on board ship, she got talking to this other chap, Frank. And he got her swinging to the on board dance band, Derek Winters and his able Seamen. Frank was tall and slightly Mediterranean looking, but with a squint, that Madge said was quite becoming when you got used to it.
Any Road, she just couldn’t make her mind up. Lionel was flash with his money and looked like a man of experience, but Frank had more of what she called “Animal Electricity. (Funny that. I never knew that our Madge was familiar with the work of Voltaire and Galvani)
Any road, she tried to play them off against each other, bestowing her favours first on one, then the other, seeing which one would try the hardest to win her affections. But after a day and a night of that, she never saw them again until the coach trip home. And it was ruddy Frank who got his dinner bought in the roadside canteen. And as far as I know, they have been happy together ever since.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) Love triangles can be very bad for your heart. Why not have a cheese triangle instead. These a re a good source of calcium, vitamins, and cheese, and in moderation are good for you. (in excess though, they make you ruddy sick) (ii) Book yourself a cruise. If you can’t afford that, promise yourself a go on a boat next time you have the chance. Unless you are a fisherman, in which case that would be a busmans holiday. Or something like that. Me and my sister Pearl were watching “The Love Boat” on the television one time, and she said, “Do you think that my George would ever take me on a love boat?” I said “the nearest he would get to that is going on a tug boat on his ruddy own.” She told me that there was no need to be crude. (iii) Have a Cornish Pastie dinner in a café. Whilst you are still young! Life is short, don’t skinp yourself by missing the best bits. (iv) Buy yourself a copy of the My Weekly Pocket Library. You can get them cheap off that Pirate Bay. I particularly Recommend “To Love Again” by Fenella Miller (Glen’s sister) or “Sod my Rags” by Catherine Sylvester (Victor’s wife)

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