Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #12: The Philadelphia Project.


Albert Einstein reckoned that he knew how to make things invisible. He was a brainy bloke, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he could. He had some idea called Unified Field Theory. It had something to do with antigravity, and something to do with bending light around objects somehow. I don’t know. I’m not as brainy as Einstein.
The Nazis had been working on it during the war, they wanted to invent invisible gravity defying tanks, that they could float over the English Channel undetected and use to subordinate the British. It never came off though. Whilst visiting the research facility in Potsdam in 1941, Hitler accidentally spilled a pot of tea all over the only copy of the top secret plans after flying into a rage that the technique had not been perfected. The ink ran, and it was impossible to read them any more. They were ruined. When he was told that not one of the scientists in the whole facility could remember how to go about the job without the notes, he flew into another rage, and had them all shot. No wonder he lost the ruddy war. The man was impossible to work with. If he had flown into a rage with me and thought he could have me shot, he would have had another think coming. I would have hit him on the end of the nose with my soup spoon and told him that if he wanted to do some shooting, he could go and shoot himself. In the ruddy coal bunker!
Any road, Einstein and some other scientists who had fled to America decided to help the U.S. Navy conduct experiments in invisibility on one of their ships. The USS Eldridge. It was a massive ship. 300 feet long, full of sailors and bristling with guns.
Einstein and his pals set to work on it, installing some funny looking machinery which would disperse a fine spray of some substance around the whole ship. This spray would have to be the exact texture and thickness to be able to distort the light around the whole ship, making it seem as if it wasn’t there at all.
They tried all sorts of liquids and gels and different substances to create the spray with. Water was too thin, so was milky coffee, boot polish was too brown, and toothpaste too stripy. Eventually the came upon a substance that was just the right colour and texture: Cream cheese! The stage was set. The Philadelphia experiment was to take place on October the 28th 1943.
Einstein and President Roosevelt were stationed on another ship about half a mile away from the Eldridge. They were wearing special goggles to prevent the possibility of them getting tiny particles of cheese in their eyes. At exactly 7.00am Pacific Ridge Time Einstein pressed a little button which triggered the machinery on board the Eldridge. Amazingly, the ship seemed to shimmer a bit before completely disappearing! Roosevelt cheered and clapped Einstein on the back. It looked like there had been a total success.
After ten minutes, it shimmered back into sight. But it would never be the same ship again. Something had happened to the very atoms of the fabric which composed it. No longer was it made out of top quality metal, but some sort of metal/cheese substance, which started to crumble before their eyes.
Most of the sailors were rescued, but they too were changed forever. Their brains had developed holes in them in much the same way as some types of cheese has holes in it. They were shadows of their former selves, absent minded, forgetful, unable to concentrate on the simplest of activities for more than a few seconds.
The project was abandoned, and everyone involved including Einstein and Roosevelt, was hypnotised by the FBI so they wouldn’t remember anything about it. Then the FBI hypnotised each other, until the only person left who knew about it. Was the head of the FBI J. Edgar Hoover.
However, J Edgar Hoover’s brother in law knew a man who drove trucks, and in 1971, that man moved to England to start a lorry driving empire. He had a friend who knew a bloke who drank in the same pub as the cousin of someone who knew my Raymond.
And that, dear reader, is how I am able to tell you the true facts about the whole story.

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