Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #7: Uri Geller

imageHe is a ruddy marvel that Uri Geller. He has special psychic powers. He can bend spoons and stuff. He can tell what drawings people did in other rooms are of , even when they are placed in thick, sealed envelopes. He can make watches that have stopped going go again, and… well… he can bend knives and forks an’all… Probably.
Imagine having special powers like that; Knowing what is going on in people’s minds! Bending metal without the use of force! Mysteriously repairing machinery!
Imagine what you could do with powers like that! You could have a good stab at ending war by bending all guns and weapons and stuff. You could have a good crack at bringing peace to regions like the Middle East by working out what was on the minds of people like Bejamin Netanyahu and Khaled Mashal. You could have a go at helping third world nations by repairing farm machinery and stuff that they couldn’t afford to replace.
But what has ruddy Uri Geller actually done with his powers? Well.. He’s bent a few spoons, predicted what people have drawn in other rooms and placed into thick sealed envelopes, and made a few stopped watches go again. Ohh.. And he has bent a few knives and forks an’all. Probably.
I have to be fair though. He has tried to achieve one or two things that would actually make a difference in the world. Once, he tried to help Exeter City by placing crystal balls behind the goals for a game against Chester City which they absolutely needed to win. They lost 5-1. But he still took the credit for helping them avoid being relegated from the league by the skin of their teeth.
They didn’t actually get relegated from the football league until the 2001-02 season, which was coincidentally the year that he became their co-chairman, and appointed Michael Jackson as an honoury director. Yes, that ruddy Michael Jackson who did thriller and bad and accidentally died of an overdose of horse tranquilizers, or something. Apparently Uri Geller was a good friend of his. They probably swapped health advice tips and stuff. Any road, I wouldn’t go looking down my nose at either of them. Either one of them made more money that I ever did put together.
I actually bent a spoon myself once. It was a soup spoon by the name of Dreadnaught. And I don’t care what the scientists say about the metal being warmed, what with it being placed in my knickers for the hour or so before the phenomenon occurred. My Raymond’s brother John was coming over all unnecessarily frisky, and I smashed him so hard on the bell end with my soup spoon that the spoon was well bent and the bell had a big dint in it. He didn’t bother me again, but I never got to go on the ruddy television and show my powers to Russell Harty either. Mind you, he’d probably had enough, what with Grace Jones and Rod Hull and Emu.

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