Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #46: The Queen of Wands. 15th – 21st September 2014


Look at the way she handles that wand. Have no doubt about it, she’s a ruddy expert. She can probably twizzle it around her little finger like a ruddy Majorette. And she probably twizzles the men around her little finger an’all. In fact its probably fair to say that she has the same effect on the men as the Majorettes used to have on my Raymond. He just used to stand and gawp. Embarrassing it was. I think it was the tights that fascinated him as much as anything. And the legs in them going up and down in time to the music. I used to tell him to snap out of it. “They’re young lasses!” I used to say. Its not as if he was one of them pedalo files, he was just fascinated. I think he liked the idea of them playing xylophones on sticks an’all, although The Lord alone knows why. They made a ruddy racket as far as I was concerned.
Any road, this Queen of Wands. Watch out for her. She is bad news. Look at that Ruddy black cat in front of her, that proves she’s bad news. And she can wave her sunflower around all she ruddy well likes, she isn’t going to persuade me otherwise. Besides, ithat sunflower isn’t going to look like that for much longer, because she has cut it down, in its prime, and if that’s how she treats sunflowers, how do you think she is likely to treat ruddy silly men. Ohh yes, she will wave them around as long as they look pleasant and make her look good by association, but then she will have them in the bin and drop a load of used teabags and what nots on top of them.
She’s got ruddy Sunflowers on her throne an’all. And a couple of Lions Rampant, with some more lions carved into the sides. It all spells danger to me. Behind her is only desert and rocks, and that’s what people can expect if they mess with her.
If you draw this card, watch out. That’s all I can say. There is a woman n the scene who is bad news. She probably looks a bit like Bet Lynch out of Coronation Street, and behaves like Jolene out of that song by Dolly Parton. Steer Ruddy well clear!
Four things that you might do this week: (i) Keep a weather eye out for predatory women. You can usually spot them a mile off. All nail varnish and lipstick, and no ruddy manners. (ii) Buy some sunflower seeds, they are wonderful little things, you can eat them like peanuts, or plant them to grow Sunflowers. You can even make margarine out of them if you know how. I don’t know how, but I’m sure that the recipe will be on the ruddy internet somewhere. (iii) Leave some cat food out so that stray cats can have something to eat. Don’t leave it out anwhere near your own house though, or you will never be rid of the little buggers, and you might end up tripping over a black one and break your ruddy neck or something. (iv) Listen to some Dolly Parton. Jolene would be the obvious choice, but I like that “Elusive Butterfly of Love” myself, and that one about “The Bargain Store” Little gems, full of Tennessee wisdom. Lord Bless her. America’s answer to Barbara Windsor!

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