Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #5: The Abominable Snowman

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“From a distance, it looked a bit like a snowman, but this was no ordinary snowman, with carrot nose and coal eyes. No cheery scarf was wrapped around its neck nor hat placed jauntily atop its head. But then, I was not in a snow covered field back home, I was half way up Mount Ruddy Everest, and this Snowman was an Abomination! At the sight of him three of my Sherpas fled, and a fourth messed himself. I, being an Englishman, stood my ground and looked the creature in the eye. As I stared, I was struck by the notion that the face I was looking at was incredibly sad. After what seemed like an age, it turned and loped away leaving nothing but gigantic footprints to show that he had ever been there. I realised that I had been holding my breath throughout the whole encounter and exhaled loudly and at length.”
So wrote Lieutenant-Colonel Charles Kenneth Howard-Bury DSO, DL, JP, in his account of the Mount Everest Reconnaissance Expedition, which was organised and financed by the Mount Everest Committee, a joint body of the Alpine Club and the Royal Geographical Society, in 1921.
Apparently, the snowy slopes of Everest are crawling with ruddy हिममानव, otherwise known as Meh-ti or Yeti. But no one has managed to take a picture of one that is any good. Not even Charlie Berry himself, probably because he was too busy being English and trying not to mess himself.
They are supposed to be at least nine foot tall, with massive feet, and thick white fur. It is said that their faces look almost human apart from huge razor sharp teeth and eyes like big black dinner plates, which many witnesses have described as being full of melancholy.
Well I would be full of ruddy melancholy if I lived half way up Mount Everest in the freezing cold, wouldn’t you? No one has ever seen more than one of them either, so in all probability the poor thing is lonely as well as cold. And how would you like it if people described you as abominable?
It’s like that Loch Ness Monster. Who decided to call it a monster? And would you like to spend all your time swimming around in the murky depths of a freezing cold loch in Scotland? It can’t be too happy with its plight. At least Bigfoot in North America lives somewhere reasonably warm, and had the Hendersons to be its friends.
Creatures like them are called Cryptozoologia, or mythical beasts. I call them ruddy clever, because they have managed to avoid human beings for years on end, and we all know what human beings are like when they manage to track down big animals. It usually doesn’t end too happily for the creature, which ends up with its head on a plaque in some posh mansion, its hide used to make shoes and handbags, its bones whittled into ornaments or ground down into powder for quack medicines and The Lord alone knows what happens to the rest of them. That’s another reason why they probably look a bit miserable when anybody spots them.
If you ever come across an Abominable Snowman, or a Loch Ness Monster, be nice to it, share your sandwiches with it, and then leave it alone.
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