Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #1: The Bermuda Triangle.

imageAuntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #1: The Bermuda Triangle.
Perhaps the best known description of the mystery of the Bermuda Triangle is that given by Professor Barry Manilow of the University of Brooklyn, New York, in his seminal 1981 work “Barry.”
“The Bermuda Triangle,” he says: “It makes people disappear.” He then adds the warning “Don’t go too near” and describes the triangle as “very bad.”
I always thought that Barry Manilow was a sensible sort of a bloke, but on the evidence of his belief in the Bermuda Triangle, he is further away with the fairies than Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was in 1917.
Cod scientists first made up attention grabbing theories about the Bermuda Triangle in the mid 1950s. Back in 1945 the US Air Force had lost five aeroplanes near Bermuda. The official explanation was that the flight leader had lost his way in the fog, and become all disorientated, had eventually ditched in the sea and sunk without trace. This story wasn’t good enough for the press and scandal magazines. In 1950 a bloke called Edward Van Winkle Jones wrote an article in the Miami Herald about how it was an up fathomable mystery, and over the next few years loads of other publications joined in. A theory developed. Something along the lines of the pilots and crews of the five aeroplanes being sucked off and transported to Mars where they were forced to wear their clothing back to front and fight each other for the entertainment of the natives. Eventually some clever so and so got one of them protractors out and drew a triangle near Bermuda where they thought all the sucking off was going on. Barry Manilow was all over it like a rash. He wanted to be in on that kind of action. He travelled to Bermuda and the islands nearby literally hundreds of times in the sixties, seventies and eighties, but as far as we know, he never got sucked off once.
Apparently, loads of boats and aeroplanes go through that area every day, and nothing at all happens to the vast majority of them. In fact scientists have pointed out that you are no more likely to get sucked off there than you are anywhere else in the world, with the possible exception of Pontefract. Apparently the “Pontefract anomaly” is nothing to do with being captured by Martians, more to do with the adverse effects of inhaling the fumes that are created when they are making them Pontefract cakes. Apparently, every time they put a fresh batch in the oven, half the town goes doollalley, puts their clothes on back to front, and starts wrestling with each other.
Science has gone a long way to proving that there is no life on Mars an’all. Apart from maybe some little microscopic bacterium things, far too small to be able to suck off an aeroplane. Let alone five TBM Avenger torpedo Bombers, whatever they are, when they are all at home.
I therefore conclude this investigation by stating unequivocally that the idea of the Bermuda Triangle is a load of old Cobblers put about by the likes of Rip Van Winkle and Barry Manilow, with the aim of drawing attention to themselves. But what with one’s long beard and the other’s massive nose, you wouldn’t think that they would have to try that hard to draw attention to themselves really, would you?

8 thoughts on “Auntie Doris’s Mysteries of the Unexplained #1: The Bermuda Triangle.

  1. My fancy was caught by the notion of forcing ne’er-do-wells to wear their clothes back to front and wrestle. Maybe politicians should have to do that when they can’t figure out any other way to compromise. I’d start going to city council meetings just to watch.

  2. That would be a lot of fun… I’m not sure that any legisation decided upon in that way should be allowed into law though. the buggers would start hiring wrestling trainers and wearing knuckledusters and all sorts.

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