My good friend, the Puppetmaster, Peter Allen, suggested that I should write a piece about this work by Jeff Koons. To be honest, I thought that Peter had a bit more about him than to entertain filth like this, but then when I thought about it, I realised that he’s a man, and they are all filthy so and sos when it boils down to it. Even Harry H. Corbett was caught with his hand up the skirt of a female panda called Sue, and apparently, that bloke who did Basil Brush was a well known frotteur, which is probably why he spent half his life under the ruddy table.
Any Road, Jeff Koons was as filthy as they come. He was a good enough looking bloke though, and after he he made a fortune out of making balloon models out of stainless steel, there were probably hundreds of women queuing up to get him up the aisle. So what did he do? He chose an actress out of those phonographic films. She wasn’t just any old actress who was used to taking her clothes off though, this one was Ilona Staller, otherwise known as Cicciolina. She had been an Italian Member of Parliament, and had gone on the television and offered to have carnal relations with Saddam Hussein in exchange for him releasing some hostages.
Funnily enough, Saddam Hussein never got back to her, if it had been Lloyd George or Bill Clinton, they would have probably taken up her offer, apart from the fact that Lloyd George was dead and Bill Clinton wasn’t President at the time. Apparently, when he was President, he did look at the possibility of taking some hostages and getting in touch with Ilona, but it all fell through when he got that copydex on that lasses skirt.
Any road, when Jeff Koons married her, he wanted the world to know that he had married a proper phonographic woman, so he did an exhibition called “Made in Heaven” with hundreds of photographs and paintings and other nick nacks, depicting him and her having it off in all sorts of positions. He even had some glass ornaments made of them working their way through that Indian sex book, the Carnal Suitor.
Of course, there was a bit of a hoo ha when people saw what he had done. They said it was filthy. Of course, what a man and a woman get up to in the privacy of their own homes is nobody’s business but their own, but plastering it all over an art gallery for all and sundry to be looking at is another matter entirely. Elderly people, young children and vicars might have accidentally wandered in and seen it and been corrupted for the rest of their living days.
Any road, Ilona left him after a year and went back to Italy, where she continued trying to achieve world peace through stunts like offering to have carnal relations with Osama Bin Laden if he would promise behave his ruddy self in future. Koons went back to being an almost normal artist, making his stainless steel balloon sculptures and other ornaments including a delightful figurine of two Yorkshire terriers, which could almost be my Hairy Mary and my Tuppence