The Auntie Doris Years: 1999

If it wasn’t properly the end of the twentieth century, as some ruddy clever clogs people kept pointing out, but it was definitely the end of the 1900s. From the last year of Queen Vicoria’s reign to the 48th year of Queen Elizabeth’s, from Lord Salisbury to Tony Blair, and from the Oxo tower to the Millennium Dome. It had been a long, long time.
In ’99, we were all very interested on the other side to hear the renowned British philosopher GCM Hoddle give his views on life after death and reincarnation. Hoddle was a good old fashioned British all rounder, famous not only for his deep thinking and integration of eastern philosophies with traditional Christian belief, but as a singer who was no stranger to “Top of the Pops” and a professional footballer, who won fifty odd caps for England, scored a hatful of international goals and eventually became manager of the national team.
He introduced a number of innovations to international football management, including signing up a faith healer to look after the team’s physical condition by twiddling feathers and shaking maracas over them whilst speaking in tongues. This strategy got them to the second round of the 1998 World Cup, where they were knocked out by Argentina after it went to penalties and David Batty missed the last one, this despite the fact that he had walked around the field in an anti clockwise direction beforehand and communicated directly with the hearts of all his players.
The following year, he lost the respect of a nation, when, in an interview with the times, he suggested that disabled people were paying for the sins that they had committed in a past life. The Lord alone knows where he got that idea from. Perhaps after the Argentina defeat, he had been a bit run down and hit the Croft Original a bit hard. If only I had been able to set him right back then, but as someone who hadn’t been dead long, and had not yet got back in contact with the land of the living, I was helpless.
The fact is, that as one of them born again, Christians, he had the wrong end of the stick when it came to re-incarnation. Most Christians have, because it’s not actually one of their traditional beliefs. They get confused and mix it up with the ruddy resurrection, which is an entirely different matter. Then again, as a matter of fact, most of the religions in the realm of the living are wide of the mark when it comes to re-incarnation. They all seem to reckon that human life should strive for perfection in some way, when actually what it’s all about is striving for experience. And as far as The Meld where we all come from s concerned, experience isn’t perfect or imperfect, good or evil, worthy or unworthy or any of the rest of it. It’s just experience. It doesn’t matter if you win the ruddy World Cup, or go out to Argentina on penalties in the second round. All eventualities are taken care of in an infinite collection of multiverses anyway. Able bodied, disabled, rich, poor, black, white or red all over, it doesn’t ruddy matter in the long run. Just get on with your life and enjoy it as best as you can. Be true to yourself, be the person that you are, try to be the person that you aspire to be, but don’t get uptight if you fall short. Just keep aspiring. I know that you are a good one, you have come this far with me. there’s plenty of others I could name that wouldn’t have. Give yourself a pat on the back and get on with it.
Auntie Doris’s pop pick of 1999 “Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)” by Baz Luhrmann. It’s a ruddy queer song, but there is some nice thought gone into it.

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