The Auntie Doris Years: 1998

All the fun was with watching Bill Clinton, the President of America squirm that year. He tried to explain that he had broken an ornament in his office in the Whitehouse and was trying to mend it with some copydex when Monica Lewinsky, a young work experience lass came in to sharpen his pencils and brushed her blue dress against it.
There was some concern in America, that it was not in fact copydex, but the President’s seed, which he had squirted all over the lasses dress, whilst he was fiddling with himself instead of attending to important matters of state. So they appointed Freddie Starr, as an independent investigator, because he knew a thing or two about stuff like that.
Starr sniffed the garment and looked at Clinton with one eyebrow raised, and said “It doesn’t smell like copydex to me”
Of course, what with it being 1998, they could send it off for DNA testing, and when they did, it came back as having the president’s DNA all over it.
But Clinton was not to be phased. He produced a signed affidavit from the boss of the Copydex factory in Hot Springs, Arkansas, where he worked as a young man. In it, he said that in the ordinary course of production the bodily fluids of workers would often find their way into the vats where the glue was prepared.
He then called an expert scientific witness who stated that Clinton’s DNA could have lain dormant in a VAT for many years before it was scooped out and put in a pot of Copydex for sale on the open market.
It was therefore possible that Clinton was attempting to mend his ornament with an adhesive which contained his own DNA, and it was this that had somehow got onto the lasses dress.
He also produced evidence that before her work experience at the Whitehouse started, Lewinsky had been on another placement at a Cigar packaging plant in Portland, Oregon, and produced a signed affidavit from her boss there, which stated that in the ordinary course of production the bodily fluids of workers would often find their way into the cigars and packaging, where it could lie dormant for months on end.
In the light of this evidence, Starr had no alternative than to conclude that nothing could be proven against the President, apart from the fact that he was probably a filthy so and so, like most men are, a conclusion which the president openly admitted, so they impeached him anyway (whatever that means).
Any road, they only went that far because he was a Democrat, which is the nearest America gets to Socialism. What a palaver! It’s a good job that they didn’t carry on like that in Britain in the days of Lloyd George. Apparently his office was ruddy well blathered in Copydex when he was the Prime minister. But that’s another story.
Auntie Doris’s Top Hit of 1998: “Strange Glue” by Catatonia. What a lovely voice that lass had. And she wore such nice, clean dresses too!

4 thoughts on “The Auntie Doris Years: 1998

  1. The token impeachment was a bit weird, and that the dress is still out there..wonder if Mr Nixon and his secretary were doing the nasty when the tapes were erased, that odd way she could reach under the desk, answer the phone and type. Even Consuelo on Marcus Welby M.D. was not that agile..frightful!

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