Auntie Doris’s That’s Swearing #12: The F word, the C Bomb and the B

imageGentle reader, I sincerely hope that you have enjoyed our little excursion into the world of foul language over the past two weeks. I also hope that you are now able to swear with confidence, knowing when to use rude words, what they mean, and when to avoid using them. However, there are some words that should never be used in polite company under any circumstances. I blush to imagine that you know what they are, and I trust that you don’t need me to go writing them out in full for you to be sure. I have some elderly readers and I really don’t want to put any strain on their weakly beating hearts.
Some people think that using these words is big and clever. And surprisingly, it’s not just those ruddy gangster wrappers either. My nephew Michael has been heard to utter them on more than one occasion, and although I have tried to alter his behaviour, my influence can only go so far. To be honest, men are men, and many of them have no more sense than schoolchildren who think that the language of the gutter is something to be proud of. There are always alternatives to these words, so no one, particularly no lady, should ever have to stoop so low as to say one out loud.
The F word, refers to the act of having carnal relations. As everyone knows, this is a special act which should only really take place between two people in a loving, caring relationship. Or maybe at a stretch, two people who have some feelings of each other, even if for one of them this may mean a sense of duty. Sometimes it might occur between two people who are very, very drunk, or maybe just very, very excitable because of their hormones. In my opinion this act should never be used as the basis for a cuss word, and anyone who does use it so ought to have their mouths washed out with carbolic.
Same with the C Bomb. I understand this to be a crude reference to a lady’s front bottom. Her fragrant garden of pleasure, a bit like the Pleasure Gardens at Withernsea. Why anyone would want to use the Pleasure Gardens at Withernsea, or anything like them as a horrible swear word like that is beyond me. If they do then they have obviously never had any pleasure there is all I can say on the matter. Plenty of people used to take a kite to Withernsea in my day, but not all of them managed to get it up. Those that couldn’t manage it were usually foul mouthed so and so’s.
Finally the B. Which apparently means someone who not only doesn’t know who their father is, but who’s mother probably doesn’t know either. There are more people in this position than you might think, and to make a swear word out of it isn’t right in my book.
F.C.B. Apparently it’s a ruddy Spanish football team or something. But in my book it is three words to avoid.
Some alternatives to the F, C and B words:
F: Flipping, Flaming, Chuffing, Blinking, Ruddy, Sodding, Carnal.
C: Front Bottom, Lady Garden, Mary, Lizzie Dripping, Wee Wee, Boreham Wood, Tufnell Park, Ladbroke Grove
B: Beggar, Bugger, So and So, Rascal, Tinker, Sod, Pillock.

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