Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #33: The Wheel of Fortune”: 16th – 22nd July 2014

What a ruddy funny card this one is. Look at that red devil thing, it looks like it has the wheel of fortune somehow lodged in the crack of its arse. And talking about arses, there’s one of them Egyptian Sphincters sat on the top of the wheel with a ridiculously long tail, holding a dirty great sword. Then there’s a snake going down one side ( but no ruddy ladder at the other.) And in the clouds in the four corners of the card are some even stranger things. There’s an agel, reading a book. Then there’s an Eagle standing on a book. Then there’s a lion with wings reading a book, and a ruddy cow with wings, reading a book. You can’t see what the books are about. There doesn’t seem to be anything written on the pages, maybe that are colouring books. But saying that, none of them have any crayons.
The Wheel says “ROTA” in the middle, which our Michael says is probably Latin for “wheel” and then it has some fancy writing which our Michael’s says is probably Hebrew for “of Fortune” Oh… And the arrow is pointing to the red devil thing ‘s head.
So what the ruddy Nora could all that lot possibly mean?
Well, the foreign writing in the middle means that you have to be brainy to understand the wheel of fortune properly. There are plenty of people who take risks in gambling or business, but aren’t particularly clever or wise. They end up sliding down the slippery snake or having a real pain in the arse. And even the Sphincter, who is sitting pretty on the top of it… Well we all know what happened to him. He is currently crumbling away in the desert with half his nose missing. So if you gamble and take risks any success you might have won’t last forever.
This card is saying be ruddy careful with the risks you take. Advantages in life come to those who study and prepare, like the funny looking creatures in the four corners.
And by studying and preparing, I don’t mean sitting down the ruddy pub and watching the fruit machine for hours on end, working out when it is going to pay out. I mean doing some serious reading, research, or at least unleashing your creative side with a colouring book. There’s no quick fix for making your fortune in this world. You have to use your skills and talents to get on, and make a name for yourself.
Four things that you might do this week (i) Read a book. And I don’t mean one of those ruddy kindle things either. Give your eyes a rest, and use something with real paper pages in it. If you haven’t got time for a real book, there’s always plenty of stories in the People’s Friend Magazine. Available at all good Newsagents everywhere (particularly in Scotland) (ii) think hard about your sphincter. You wouldn’t want it drying out in the desert with all bits of it crumbling away, would you. Rub a bit of Nivea on it, save yourself problems in the future. (iii) Have a game of snakes and ladders. The old games with a board and dice can be a lot more fun than blasting ruddy aliens on the computer. I keep telling you… Give your eyes a rest. (iv) have a flutter on the horses. But don’t go risking more than you can afford, and if you win, treat yourself… But don’t go getting ruddy well addicted.

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