Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #10 Musca – The Fly : Jan 16 – February 17

Flies are filthy, horrible creatures. One minute they will be sitting in a pile of shite, sucking it up through their telescopic snout things, and rubbing it into their hands and legs, and the next minute they will be regurgitating it whilst dancing around on your dinner, or that nice piece of cake that you were saving to have with a cup of tea later that afternoon. Filthy little so and sos. I don’t ruddy like them one little bit. Specially those ones with shiny blue arses or shiny green arses. Not only do they spread shite all over the house, they make a ruddy horrible racket whilst they are doing it an’all. And if you do manage to get one to shut up by giving it a good clout with a rolled up newspaper, it makes a mess all over the wallpaper, that looks like raspberry ripple ice cream but is a ruddy sight harder to clean off.
But before everyone who was born under the sign of Musca starts going doollalley at me, let me just say that Muscarians have none of the qualities which first spring to mind when you think about flies, and the fly like qualities that the do have are all good ones.
The first of these is the ability to think fast and get out of danger quickly, which is a ruddy valuable evolutionary trait if you are in a line of business where a massive rolled up newspaper is likely to come crashing down on your bonce at any moment. This could of course be either a physical or a verbal ability. Many Muscarians can talk their way out of the most difficult situation, but which is lucky because they couldn’t manage to fight their way out of a paper bag, and wouldn’t want to if there was a bit of brown sauce smeared on the inside of it.
Another thing That Muscarians are good at is looking at a situation from all different angles. Flies have compound eyes, which aren’t like ours, but look like little red pin cushions, and apparently give them a unique perspective on locating items such as slices of cake and dollops of shite from a vantage point anything up to seven feet above whilst moving at speed in an erratic flight path. Of course Muscarians can’t manage that, but they can empathise with other people’s points of view, and find unique ways of solving problems, finding cake, and avoiding treading in anything horrible when out for a walk in the park.
Famous Muscarians. Mohammed Ali: he could dodge a blow from a rolled up newspaper with his eyes closed, because he danced like a butterfly. Which is like a fly but with bigger wings and a longer body. He also stung like a bee, which is like a fly, but with a stripes jumper on, and a sting in its arse. Phil Collins, neckless popster, who makes an irritating noise, Baby Spice, has a bright green arse and a telescopic snout. Gary Barlow. Tax dodging popster who has no more right to his OBE than Leicester Piggott did.