Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #6: Lupus – the Wolf: September 20th – October 30th

lupusTake a tip from Little Red Riding Hood – beware of wolves! They will eat your ruddy grandmother as soon as look at her. Obviously, the law of averages states that many people born under the sign of Lupus will actually become grandmothers or grandfathers themselves. If you know any if them, I wouldn’t leave them babysitting the grandkids, they might end up eating them and boiling up the bones to make stew. That’s just the sort of people that Luparians are.
Me? I feel sorry for them. The average Luparian has to work hard to contain their natural inclinations. It’s a constant battle to resist the temptation to feast on the elderly and infirm or the very young. I would advise them to take deep breaths, relax their muscles, and remember that thanks to the pioneering work of Herbert George Quorn and Linda McCartney there are plenty of healthy and ethical alternatives to the flesh of grandmothers and small children.
Of course, most Luparians do not have to resist that sort of temptation, but they do have to battle against the urge to be cruel and thoughtless in other ways. Qualities such as kindness, altruism and selflessness do not come easy to them, and they are most likely to completely disregard the needs, feelings and rights of other people for their own selfish ends. That is why most luparians end up voting Tory.
If you do know anyone born under the sign of Lupus, be careful if you ever ask them the time. Particularly if they are anywhere near a knife and fork. You may be lucky and get a civil answer once or twice, but eventually it will be “DINNERTIME!” and you will be the main course.
Come on luparians, my advice to you is to show a bit of compassion. Make it a personal challenge to do something nice for someone every day. It might be hard work at first, but it will come easier with time, and you might actually end up feeling a little less smug, and a tad more positive about yourself.
If this is not possible, then for the sake of all that is holy, lock yourselves indoors on the evening of a full moon. And for the sake of self preservation, stay well away from lumberjacks!
Famous Luparians. Cliff Richards, feasted on the blood of young maidens to keep his skin supple and young looking. (It almost worked too, but it didn’t do anything for his ruddy neck) Margaret Thatcher, feasted on the bones of small children, but didn’t gain much in the way of calcium, as she had refused to allow them to drink milk for years before. David Cameron, feasted on the bones of the elderly rather than have them looked after properly on the National Health. Simon Cowell. Feasted on the broken ambition of people who believed that he could make them famous for their skill as entertainers, rather than as laughing stocks to be cackled at by him and his cronies and millions of television addicts.

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