Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #5: Microscopium – the Microscope: August 27 – September 29

MicroscopeYou wouldn’t believe that there is a constellation up there called Microscopium, would you. Well there ruddy well is! Look on any star chart if you don’t believe me.
People born under the sign of the microscope tend to blow things out of all proportion. They are fuss pots, worriers, and slaves to their own obsessions. They will go crackers if they don’t get things exactly the way they want them, and may easily fall victim to paranoid delusion.
My friend Irene Mcvicar was a microscoparian. He was neither Scottish nor related to anyone who was a vicar, but she was a fusspot with tendencies towards paranoia. I remember one time when we went out shopping together and stopped for a spot of lunch at a cafe. She ordered the quiche Lorraine with peas and chips, but when it came, there was a dollop of coleslaw on the side of her plate. She didn’t want to cause a fuss, so she didn’t complain, to the cafe people, but she was very put out, and let me know all about it in a series of angry whispered questions.
“What on earth is that? Coleslaw? What’s coleslaw when it’s all at home? Did I ask for coleslaw? So why have they given me it then. What’s in it? Are those bits carrot? How come they have given me coleslaw and not you?”
They hadn’t given me coleslaw because I had ordered pie and peas, but that made no difference to Irene. The paranoia started to kick in. She stopped asking questions and stated to tell me what she thought.
“They ruddy know I don’t like stuff like that blathered over my dinner. They have only put it on my plate to annoy me. They want to put me off coming in here. They think that they are too good for the likes of me! Well if they think that they are getting one over on me they’ve got another think coming! I’m going to eat the ruddy stuff if it kills me! You see if I don’t!”
She took a large forkful and stuffed it into her mouth and winced as she swallowed it. Then another thought occurred to her..
“What if it really does kill me, What if they’ve ruddy poisoned it? What if they really don’t want me coming in here? Are they watching me?”
We ended up leaving before either of us had finished. I was still hungry when I got in, so I had to open a tin of macaroni cheese. I didn’t ask her along to share it with me. It would probably have been the wrong shade of yellow.
My advice to Microscoparians is to relax. Take it easy. Go with the flow. If you don’t like coleslaw ruddy well leave it at the side of your plate. Things are never as bad as they seem. Take deep breaths. Have a cup of tea, but be sure to make it yourself.. Just in case.
Famous microscopians include: Agatha Christie: If somebody looked at her funny on the way to the vicarage, she was convinced that he was a murderer. Conway Twitty, became convinced that the local council were opposed to his plan to change the name of the town where he lived to “Twitty City”. Lance Armstrong: weighed his own turds for some reason that possibly made sense to his drug addled mind. My nephew Michael: unable to walk past a pair of discarded tights without laddering them with his ruddy great toenails.

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