Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #3: Dorado – The Goldfish: Jun 26 -Jul 28

DoradoGoldfish are such lovely little creatures aren’t they. Me and Raymond used to have two, Hattie and Eric. We didn’t know if they were a boy and girl pair, it’s difficult to work out the sex of goldfish, but we liked to imagine that they were brother and sister. We never had any kids of our own.
We put coloured stones in their bowl and a little modern underwater castle. It gave them something interesting to think about. And it would always be new to them an’all because goldfish are well known to forget everything that they have seen and done after a few seconds. Just that one little castle for about 30p from the aquarium shop was like a lifetime membership of the National Trust for them. Not that fish have to pay to join the National Trust anyway, but that’s not the point.
Maybe not all fish have long term memory problems. Maybe it is unique to goldfish. Maybe it’s the trauma of being snatched from their natural habitat and stored in a small plastic bag until someone wins them on the hook a duck at the funfair that messes with their little fishy heads. Any road, we tried to give them a good life. We changed their water regularly and fed them twice a day, until it was time to flush them down the toilet. Hatty died peacefully in her sleep one winter’s night. I told Raymond that he should have left a gas ring on the cooker on, just to take the chill off, but he was too mean. We think it was Hatty that died anyway. Like I said its hard to tell goldfish apart. I suppose it might have been Eric.
Anyway. Raymond said that it would be cruel to leave the other one all on its own, so he flashed them both down the toilet. I thought that it was wrong. He had probably forgotten all about her already and would have enjoyed visiting the castle on his own. But Raymond said no, it was better like that, and that Eric would have more chance of finding someone new. “After all” he said ” there’s plenty more fish in the sea”
Doradoians, being born under the sign of the goldfish, are bright and jolly people, who can be quite irresistible to the people around them, but they can also be very shallow, and have difficulties remembering people and places. My advice to Doradoians would be to get themselves a notebook or a diary and write down everything that they need to remember in it, but knowing them, they would forget where they had put it, so it would be a waste of time having wrote it down in the first place. Therefore they need some other method of remembering things. My method would be to work out a snappy little phrase for remembering people’s names. Say you know someone with a big nose called Colin remember “corky Colin” that way, you’ll remember his name every time you see him, it will be as plain as the nose on his face. Don’t let them know how you are remembering them though. Bog eyed Bertie got really upset with me because of that and Fat arsed Fiona hasn’t spoken to me since 1981, even here on the other side. Some people have no sense of humour.
Famous Doradorians. Peter Kay (Portly Peter), Monica Lewinsky (Messy Frock Monica) Bill Oddie (Bird Brained Bill) and Jeremy Kyle (Shite Arsed Jeremy)

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