Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #2: Pavo – The Peacock: May 27 – June 25

PavoWe all know what peacocks are like. All show, all glamour, all bright and beautiful. But with the brains of a bird. And that’s your average Pavolian too. You can see them on television in the royal enclosure in Ascot with their fancy hats and glamorous what nots. Or tottering down the high street of a weekend in their FCUK boots and DKNY jackets, blathered in perfume and draped with earrings and brooches. And that’s just the men! Of course, many Pavolians are lovely people underneath it all. But it is a bit off putting talking to someone who has dyed themselves bright orange, wears sunglasses indoors and wears more jewellery than Mr T. Unlike their close relatives, the Cassiopeians, who are brimming with confidence, the bright,, over the top displays of the Pavolians are often covering up for a deep lack of confidence, and insecurity.
Our Michael once knew a bloke called Billy Tempest whose deep sense of insecurity had led him to demand money with menaces at a number of village post offices and general stores. He might have got away with it too, but for the fact that he was a Pavolian, whose deep sense of insecurity had also led him to to have almost every inch of his skin decorated with cheap tattoos done in blue ink with what must have looked like crochet needles. He had crudely drawn birds above each eye, inky tears rolling down his cheeks, a bat on one side of his neck and a dagger on the other. His hands were covered in anchors, caps tans and ships wheels, and on each of his arms were a set of portraits of European philosophers from the enlightenment period. Ohh no, I tell a lie, they were dolly birds, and they were not wearing bras either.
Apparently he was a sensitive man, who was easily moved to tears, real ones, that used to roll over his tattooed ones. He would cry his eyes out almost every time he got arrested. See? All display, all front, no confidence at all inside.
Any road, if you are a Pavolian, get a bit of confidence in yourself. Before you cover your body in tattoos; Before you get all dolled up with your fancy clothes and make up, look at yourself in the mirror and say. “I am a wonderful, confident person. Even without clothing and body adornment, I am a fascinating human being. If people could see the real me, they would be amazed.” As soon as you have said that, and believed it. Get yourself dressed. You can’t go out with no ruddy clothes on, you would get arrested.
Famous Pavolians: Boy George: Do you really want to hurt him? Do you really want to make him cry? Marilyn Monroe, climbed every mountain in Scotland that was over 3,000 feet high. Kyle Minogue: she should be so lucky! Barry Manilow. So should he.

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