Auntie Doris’s New Zodiac #1: Cassiopeia – The Vain Beauty: Apr 24 – May 26

CassiopeiaIf you were born under the sign of Cassiopeia in my new horoscope, the chances are that you ruddy fancy your self. You might as well admit it, there’s only you and me here. Come on… You do, don’t you! Cassiopeians fancy themselves for all sorts of reasons. They don’t even have to be particularly good looking, although many of them think that they are. On the other hand, they might fancy themselves as being intelligent, or particularly good at something. But looks, skills and even intelligence fade with time, and vanity is a very difficult state of mind to get rid of. Like my Raymond’s brother Bernard, who used to be good looking in his younger days, before he went bald, got fat and lost half his teeth. He still thought he was God’s gift to the ladies. He thought that wearing a nice crested blazer over a polo necked sweater, sometimes with a sailor’s cap, would draw admiring eyes away from what he termed “the small imperfections of age. My friend Violet was the same, she always thought that the men should be falling over each other to get close to her, even when she was well into her seventies. She kept the self image going by plastering make up on with a trowel and wearing chiffon scarves and plenty of jewellery. You would have thought that Bernard and Violet might have been an ideal couple. But they each thought the other was ridiculous and made fools of themselves by perusing younger conquests. Violet had some success with a bloke in his fifties once, Gordon Donkersloot, he was called, but it turned out that he only wanted to borrow some of her jewellery and underwear for private parties at his place with his mates from the RAOB club.
Bernard was even less successful. He ended up getting a police caution for harassing Carol Watney, a woman in her thirties who worked in the off licence. Apparently she used to say a few friendly words to him when he called in for a bottle of red duster, and he decided that she was giving him the come on. He ended up having to buy his booze at fine fair on pain of being arrested if he went within half a mile of Carol’s shop.
Come on Cassiopeians! We all have to have a bit of self confidence, otherwise we would never attempt to do anything much, but you ought to try and keep a lid on the sort of behaviour which makes you look and behave like a ruddy idiot. It may be a tough battle for you, but show a little humility.
Famous Cassiopeians include: Joan Collins, heavily made up love child of failed astronaut Phil; Gary Glitter, perverted glam rocker who enjoyed wearing baco foil suits; Jeremy Paxman; clever clogs newsreader with a big mouth; and Tony Blair, seeker of weapons of mass destruction in all the wrong places.

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