Auntie Doris’s Brand New Zodiac. Prologue.

imageAfter I had finished my first series of little homilies, “Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac” my dear friend Simon Porter commented that there were many other constellations in the sky, which were not used in horoscopes, and pondered whether they might have an effect on the affairs of men and women. To which I reply “Of course they ruddy do!”
The thing is, when people drew up the horoscopes, they carefully divided the night sky into sections and calculated which constellations would be on the other end of an imaginary line drawn from the sun, right through the earth at the equator and out the other side. Or something like that. The fact is that it took a lot of working out, and it’s all ruddy nonsense any road.
What I like about the supernatural, is it’s all stories, and I like stories, you can take them however you want. You can enjoy them as simple stories, look for hidden meaning in them, or run your ruddy life by them.
I really can’t be bothered with drawing imaginary lines through the equator, and I have never been much interested in astronomy any way. I prefer to leave all that to nutty old eccentrics like Patrick Mower out of Emmerdale Farm. Most people who do horoscopes have no idea where the constellations are anyway, and that includes Russell Grant and Mystic Ruddy Meg.
But for the sake of Simon Porter, and anyone else who might be interested, I have decided to devise a brand new Zodiac, with previously unused constellations, regardless of where they might be in the sky. So be prepared to be issued with a brand new star sign at some point over the next few weeks, and gain some useful help and advice about what the future holds, based on what mood I am in when I write it and what constellations I choose.

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