Auntie Doris’s Tarot Card of the Week #25 The Hierophant: 21st – 27th April 2014

Alright, I know what you are thinking. “What’s a ruddy Hierophant when it’s all at home?” Well I’ll tell you. A Hierophant is someone who can connect you to something sacred, someone who can show you the spiritual, someone who, like me, can act as a bridge (a conduit if you will) between the material world and the realms beyond it.
If anyone asks you if you want to see some puppies, they are probably not a Hierophant. At best, they have some new born puppies and want to let you share in the spiritual joy of observing soft, cuddly new life. But more likely they are a filthy so and so who wants to touch you inappropriately and will try and get you to touch them, and any new life that they squirt out of them would be best sent to the police for forensic ruddy investigation.
The Hierophant in the card guards the way through the columns that mark the portal to a higher level of understanding. If she is going to let those two bald blokes through, it isn’t going to be easy for them. Because once she has stood up and moved out of the way, they are going to have to shift that great stone throne that she is sitting on. So I hope that they have had their Sanatogen plus.
There is a key to wisdom for both of them though. So if one does his back in and has to go home for a lie down, his mate can get in right away, and he can come back later with the other key. Meanwhile the Hierophant will be down at the heel and key bar getting some new ones cut for the next couple of inductees.
Those two bald blokes are wearing some ruddy funny clothes. Bright yellow dungarees, and floral blouses, one covered in roses and one covered in lillies. They are paying respect to their wives Rose and Lilly, showing that seekers of wisdom should not ignore their earthy ties, but search for the betterment and benefit of those who they love. I’m just grateful that neither of them was married to a woman named Fanny!
The Hierophant herself is all done up like father ruddy Christmas with a fancy crown on. She is probably a keen golfer an’all because she has got three tees stuck out of the top of it. Even Hierophants need to relax now and then. She has a television aerial in her left hand. She has probably taken it off her telly at home so her kids will get on with their homework and not be messing about watching telly whilst she is dealing with the ruddy slapheads. And hasn’t she got tiny feet? Or are there two very small Bishops laid underneath her, looking up her skirt?
Four things that you might do this week: (i) Go in search of spiritual knowledge. Visit a church, or a library, or a museum or something, before the ruddy Tories have them all privatised and asset stripped. Take your loved ones with you. (ii) get a spare door key cut. You never know when it might come in handy. Our Cyril’s friend Herbert fastened one just inside the exhaust pipe of his car, so that if he ever got stuck outside the house without his keys he knew where to find one. He drove home one day and discovered he had left his door key in the pub. Then he went and burned his ruddy finger ends trying to fish the spare out. They ended up going septic an’all, he was lucky that he didn’t have to have them amplitated. (iii) go to the PDSA and ask them if they have any puppies you can look at. It’s probably the safest way to look at puppies without running the risk of unwanted malarkey. (iv) Treat yourself to a round of golf. I would recommend pitch and putt to crazy golf though. Life’s too short for buggering about with the sort of people who play it properly.

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