Auntie Doris’s Tarot card of the Week #22 The Two of Pentacles 31st March – 6th April 2014

Look at his ruddy hat! It looks like a big long bell end! The man is clearly a fool! Would you trust him with your money? Course you wouldn’t! What if he said that he could make it stretch by putting it into a massive green elastic band? Not a cat in Hell’s chance! What if he said that the big green elastic band was a symbol of infinity and he would be able to make your money last forever? Well.. you might be tempted, but you ruddy well shouldn’t be. Look at his hat, remember… Its a bell end hat. He you should whack it hard with a soup spoon rather than hand over any money to the likes of him.
He signifies dodgy investments. Like my Raymond’s friend Albert. He was a dodgy so and so. And if you invested in him there was always some reason for him not to pay out any dividends. Like the horse that he had said was going to romp past the post in record time, sprained its ruddy fetlock before the race had even started. Or the antique Ming Vase that he was going to buy for a song turned out to have been made at Hornsea potteries.
All money investment is taking a risk, and you should look at the telltale signs when looking for someone to trust with your money. A Red bell end hat, pink frock, red tights and green shoes are bad signs. Particularly in a man. Thats the sort of outfit ruddy George Osborne wears of a weekend, and he is no paragon of financial proberty is he? Unless you are ruddy rich already, and even then I wouldn’t trust him any further than I could throw him.
Look at the sea behind him an’all. Its ruddy choppy. Its going to take a very able seaman to make sure that either of those boats come in. And if they don’t there are going to be a few disappointed investors wondering what became of their fine silks from the orient. Nabbed off some Cornish beach by ruddy Poldark and his mates, that’s what. If you draw this card, be on the lookout for con merchants and beachcombers.
Four things that you might do this week. (i) take a Stanley knife to the underside of your mattress and make a slit in it big enough to stuff your savings into. They might rustle a bit when you turn over in the night, but at least they won’t go towards paying ruddy bankers bonuses. (ii) Go for a trip to the seaside. Withernsea is always nice, and you never know what you might find washed ashore there. My Raymond found a crate of unused prophylactics there once. He didn’t have any use for them, so he donated them to the local boy scouts for their jumble sale. They weren’t there when I went to have a rummage though, and I never did trust that scoutmaster after that. His eyes were too close together! (iii) Buy some elastic bands. You never know when they will come in handy. Especially if the elastic goes in the top of your tights, because some strapping great bloke, four or five sizes bigger than you has been trying to wriggle into them. (iv)Put some of your unwanted stuff in a box and give it to somebody to have a jumble sale with. Not the ruddy scouts though. There are some rum so and sos in the scouts. I wouldn’t trust them further than I could throw Ozzy Osborne.

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