Auntie Doris by Special Request #12: Ladies Bits


Sharon Beard of Wombwell was very direct when suggesting a topic for this, the last of the current series of special requests. “Ladies Bits” was all she said in her facebook message. Well, that wasn’t very much to go on, so I asked her to elaborate further. “All the ones that cause ya problems ha ha” came the reply. If I hadn’t actually met Sharon, I would have thought that these messages must have come from an adolescent boy. But as it is, I do know her, and I also happen to know that she has been having trouble with her ladies bits, so maybe she was half out of her mind on pain killers when she sent those messages. Or maybe her recent troubles have made her a bit obsessive about ladies bits. Maybe she can’t keep her mind off them. A bit like an adolescent boy.
Well. Obviously, when I was alive, I was more prone to medical complications than I am now, particularly in the downstairs department where I was plagued by three ailments which caused me some real discomfort: Chapped lips, blocked tubes and a swollen parson’s nose. Do any of those sound familiar to you Sharon?
Chapped lips are a blight on all women, particularly those who wear skirts throughout the winter months. Commercial products such as Lipsyl and chap-sticks can be costly. Cheaper alternatives such as goose fat and stork margarine can be used to equally good effect and soon have you back to a more comfortable level of feminine moistness. What I will say though, is that prevention is better than a cure. Getting myself a trouser suit helped me no end, and I found that wearing tights underneath it provided an extra layer of insulation and helped to seal moisture in. Be warned though, some filthy so and sos found it a little too alluring, so if you are going for that particular combination, carry a soup spoon with you at all times.
Blocked tubes are much more of a problem. To avoid them be sure to remember the adage that, in the case of lady bits, what goes up doesn’t always come down quite as easily. Forget about Isaac Newton and his apple, think about our Madge and that cucumber. The Lord alone knows how she managed to break the end off, but it took some ruddy dislodging, make no mistake. In the end she had to crouch over a steam bath for three quarters of an hour until it got sort of puréed and came out of its own accord.
Finally a swollen parson’s nose can cause a lady acute discomforture. Gentle massage can assist, but if you overdo it you can make matters worse. I always used to ask Knaggs the butcher to get me beef dripping. That seemed to do the trick, at least for a while. It would go down for a few days, sometimes even a week or longer, then the swelling would start again. A quart or so of good British Sherry would ease the pain, not that Spanish muck though. That used to give me heartburn.
At the end of the day though Sharon, we ladies have to live with these things. Grin and bear it I always used to say. And thank the Good Lord you haven’t got men’s bits to contend with. Being attached to one of those can send you doolalley. Just look at my nephew Michael!

You are allowed to comment... I don't ruddy bite, you know...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s