Auntie Doris’s New Years Revolutions #4: Become more confident with the opposite sex!

cowboy date

It is a terrible thing when people have no confidence in the opposite sex. I have no confidence in my Raymond. Or if I have got any confidence, its the wrong sort of confidence if you follow my drift. I am confident that he is a useless, lazy lump, I am confident that he hasn’t got the brains that he was born with, and I am confident that if I give him the occasional clip around the ear, it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference. But I am not confident in much else about him. My confidence in the opposite sex has become eroded by years of experience of them, slaves to their peccadilloes, that’s what men are, and if one of them ever tells you any different, its his peccadilloes doing the talking, throwing up a smokescreen to disguise what’s going on inside his filthy mind.

But I suppose what you mean by a revolution like this is that you want to have more confidence in your dealings with the opposite sex. That’s a different matter. For women, the answer is simplicity itself. Once you remember that all men are slaves to their peccadilloes, you have absolute control. Once a man understands that you know his peccadilloes, and are willing to indulge him to an extent, or even just to turn a blind eye. You can say or do whatever you like to him, with complete confidence. You have the upper hand in every situation.

For men its a little different. Some men find it so hard to be confident in their dealings with the opposite sex, that they would rather mess about in their underwear drawers, or dress up in their clothes, or sit in the shed all day reading ruddy silly magazines about them, than actually have any dealings with them at all. If you know a man like that, (and most women do, whether they realise it or not) why not make it your New Year’s revolution to give him a clip around the earhole? It might not do him any good, but it would make you feel a damn sight better.

Auntie Doris’s alternative revolution: Why stop at the opposite sex? Why not revolve to be more confident with everybody? You can start by just pretending to be confident, and before you know where you are, it becomes a habit, and you are as confident as the cat that cleaned its canines with colgate. But why stop at people? Are you confident with cattle? With horses? With Birds of prey? Why stop at living things? Are you confident with machinery? With information technology? With contacting the dead? Confidence in all of these things can be achieved by bluster, bluffing and pretence. And take it from me… anything that you can’t gain confidence in by these means isn’t worth the effort.

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