Auntie Doris’s Twelve Days of Christmas. #12: Twelve Drummers Drumming.



Our Michael knows a couple of Drummers, what with him imagining that he is a big pop star and all. He used to have that Hugh Whitaker out of the Housemartins in his pop group. But that didn’t last long. He never stays in a pop group for long doesn’t Hugh. Now he’s been replaced with that Simon Porter, or is it Piper, I don’t know, they are both funny names for ruddy drummers anyway. Mind you, drummers often do have funny names. Look at that Ringo Starr out of the Beatles. What kind of a name is that? If you ask me the Beatles went downhill once they signed him up. They should have stuck with that Georgie Best. He knew his way around a drum kit, that lad. Shame he didn’t know how to look after his ruddy liver. A bit like Charlie Watts out of the Rolling Stones. He was another one who put his ruddy liver at risk. I mean, we all like a sherry or two at Christmas time, but some of these rock and rollers take it a bit too far. Our Michael once drank so much sherry at a pop concert that he was actually sick. Through his nose. The filthy so and so. I’m glad I wasn’t the one that had to wash his shirt for him. Sherry vomit stains are the devil’s own job to get out. Twelve ruddy days of Christmas? And what do you end out with. A house full of birds and strangers. I wouldn’t thank anyone for presenting me with twelve drummers making all the racket that drummers make. And if that Phil Collins thought he was inviting himself around for a Christmas drink, he would have another think coming. “Phil Collins! What the flaming Nora are you doing here? I would say. “Well” he might reply. “Dave Grohl told me you were having twelve drummers around for Christmas, and so I thought it would be alright” I’d have him then. Quick as a flash I’d say – “Oh and if Dave Grohl told you to stick your neck on a railway track, I suppose you would think that would be alright too, would you?” And then, whilst he was puzzling that one out I would say. “Only it couldn’t be, because you haven’t got a ruddy neck, have you!” Still, I would invite him in with the others, and then give them all a baked potato each. One of those Piping hot Maris Pipers from yesterday each. What’s that? I’ve only got eleven Pipers Piping, but I’ve got twelve drummers to feed? It’s OK – Phil Collins doesn’t want one – he’s no Jacket required! Uncle Raymond’s final Christmas Cracker Cackle of the Season: “She was only the poultry cook’s daughter, but she knew how to gobble the goose.

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