Auntie Doris’s Twelve Days of Christmas. #5: Five Gold Rings

5thNow we’re talking. At last a present that has some ruddy value. Obviously, anyone who gives you five gold rings is worth hanging on to. It’s a proper handful that is. And they always say that if you wear gold, then you are carrying around the price of a decent funeral. Five gold rings would probably get you something pretty decent. Maybe not a Reggie Kray style send off, with a fleet of black cars covered in flowers, a solid oak coffin with real brass fittings and Barbara Windsor sobbing her eyes out in the front pew, but you would probably be able to pay the vicar and still have enough left to get a nice bit of tongue for the wake. Something about a funeral always makes me fancy a nice bit of tongue, and if Arthur Knaggs was involved with the catering, I was pretty certain that I was going to get some. I remember when I buried my Raymond. I went around to Knaggs’s to put my order in. He provided me with some chitterlings, and sweetbreads and of course he got me beef dripping, but then he said – “with it being a funeral Doris, you will be wanting to do it proper, and have a nice bit of tongue as well.” Well – I went weak at the knees at the thought of it. My Raymond wasn’t all that keen on tongue, so I was lucky to get any when he was on the scene. But with him out of the way, what better way to celebrate? And I have never had better tongue than that what Knaggs gave me that day. It was ruddy divine, I tell you. My Raymond had a lovely send off down at the corporation club, and to cap it all, I won the meat tray in the raffle. So I enjoyed a bellyful of Knaggs’s pork the next day as well. In summary, there should be no way on God’s Earth that you should ever turn your nose up at five gold rings as a Christmas present. Even if you only accept them as some sort of insurance to go towards the cost of your send off. A true love who gives you gold beats a true love who tries to palm you off with a few birds, any day of the week. Uncle Raymond’s Christmas Cracker Cackle of the day “She was only Dick Van Dyke’s daughter, but she had a bit of bother with my old bamboo!”

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