Auntie Doris’s Twelve Days of Christmas. #2: Two Turtle Doves.

2ndFor a start, they are nowt like turtles. And they are nowt like doves either. They are more like pigeons than anything else, and pigeons are filthy ruddy creatures. Flying rats, my Raymond used to call them. And another thing. They would be no good as Christmas presents because they migrate for the winter. So they would either freeze to death in the perishing cold, or you would have to keep them indoors in the warm. And where would be the joy in that. They would be keeping you awake all night with their ruddy incessant billing and cooing, and stink the place out doing their business in the bottom of their cage. It would cost you a fortune in old newspapers. It’s not even as if you could teach them to talk like you could a budgie. My Raymond’s brother Bernard had a budgie. He taught it how to say “take your knickers off”. Well he said that he hadn’t exactly taught it, it had just heard him say it that many times to the women he brought home on a Saturday night, that it learned to say it of its own accord. I never believed that story though. If that was the case it would have been just as likely to have learned to say “Get stuffed you filthy so and so” in my opinion. When we were at the caravan in Withernsea, sometimes me and Raymond used to go for a walk up the beach after our dinner. I remember one time we had had extra potatoes with our pies and we were fit to burst. We were only half way back from our walk when we both realised that we were desperate to move our bowels. For some reason Raymond decided that it was funny to repeatedly sing “two turtles heads” (to the tune of the “five gold rings” bit) until I clouted the side of his head. It was hard enough trying not to mess myself without having to put up with that racket an’ all. If anyone is threatening to get you turtle doves this Christmas, tell them to get you something more useful instead. I always used to appreciate a packet of Woodbines. Uncle Raymond’s Christmas Cracker Cackle of the Day: “She was only the advent calendar maker’s daughter, but ohh, what delights were to be found within her doors.” (Doris wouldn’t let me finish that sentence with the word “flaps” but with a bit of luck, she won’t bother reading this one.)

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