Mr P.H. of Weybridge, Surrey, writes: “Whilst filling up the all terrain vehicle at the local service station the other day, the pipe delivering the fuel accidentally brushed against the front of my trousers, causing a not unpleasant sensation in my undercarriage. Obviously, being in a public place, I was unable to take full advantage of this quite delightful discovery, but since that moment I have been able to think of little else. I have tried watering the garden with the tap full on and the hosepipe close to my body, but it just wasn’t the same, and besides, with the recent rainfall figures in the Runnymede area, my wife was more than a little suspicious. I am wondering if there are any gentleman’s clubs in London or the Home Counties which accommodate for this taste.”
Mr P.H. How the ruddy Hell would I know? Have a bit of common sense you ridiculous, stupid man. I’m a dead old lady not your ruddy social secretary. Having said that, your little peccadillo does not seem to be anything which would harm others, so I don’t suppose it would hurt to dispense a little advice. Perhaps you could try sitting on the washing machine when it enters the spin cycle, or renting one of those Flabélos machines that seem to be all the rage these days. The Lord alone knows how you would use it, but I am sure that an inventive fellow like you would find a way. Always be careful when placing a sensitive part of the body close to machinery though. My brother in law John, tried to increase the size of his Werther’s original by putting it through the mangle whilst his wife was out of the way. He ended up getting it stuck fast and had to wait for her to come home to release it. Apparently it was unrecognizable after that, and neither he nor his wife ever got any pleasure out of it again.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip. You are obviously a man who is proud of his vehicle. Have you ever considered using an orbital polisher? I used to use one myself, and I can guarantee that it will provide you with an excellent finish!