Mr G.O. of Tatton, Cheshire writes: “Dear Auntie Doris. I like to think of myself as a caring, considerate man, who is kind to others and has a well balanced outlook on life, but recently, I have been having intrusive fantasies of a cruel nature. It all started when I killed an ant colony in the garden with boiling water. I became so excited that I slapped the cat, which instantly made a mess all over the living room sofa. I have gone on to dropping poison in aquaria, placing small stones inside my wife’s shoes and re-wiring the toaster so that the switch delivers a small electrical shock. The results of these simple acts invariably excite me. Where will it all end? The living room sofa is now completely ruined, and on an unrelated note, I find myself strangely drawn to the work of the Pet Shop Boys” Ruddy Nora! Grown men and their peccadilloes never cease to amaze me! There is never any excuse for cruelty. You truly are an odious, vile so and so, and you deserve to be wrung by the neck until you see sense. If you really must be cruel, be cruel to yourself. My Uncle Godfrey used to enjoy putting bulldog clips on his nipples. The only problem was that after a while he needed more, so he wired them to the mains and caused the power to go off all the way up his street and on his side of the next one. He gave himself some nasty burns too, but picking at the blisters did keep him occupied for a while. What does your Sharon, I mean Mrs O, think to the state of the ruddy sofa? If I were you, I would put a stop to all that sort of shenanigans quick sticks, and get down to DFS or SCS or CSL for a new one. If you really can’t control yourself, buy something wipe clean.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: Playing the Pet Shop Boys can be a real treat. Remember “It’s a Sin” and “A Man Could Get Arrested”. Also, if people ever discover your acquired taste “How Can You Ever Expect to be Taken Seriously”