Mrs I.C of Chipping Ongar writes: “Dear Auntie Doris. I wonder if you can settle an argument between me and a friend. We were discussing how long our husbands can manage to sustain a session of carnal intimacy. I say that the short breaks Eric takes for using his inhaler, mopping his brow, and visits to the toilet are all part of the process and should be counted towards the total. My friend says that these are not parts of the act and should be totted up and subtracted from the final score. I think that this is unreasonable, as I do not have a stopwatch and have to go by the radio alarm clock on the bedside table. What is your opinion? (No pressure dear, but there is a bottle of Harvey’s Bristol Cream resting on how you answer.)” Well Mrs I.C. This is a problem that has probably concerned women since the dawn of time. When my Raymond was active (back in the 1940s) he could be going at it for anything up to an hour. But this included breaks for cleaning, filling and lighting his pipe, listening to the football results on the home service, in addition to answering the call of nature. When comparing notes with my Sister Pearl, I counted it all, and Pearl never complained once. Mainly because this allowed her to include the time that her George took off for trying to maintain a solid state of affairs by rubbing deep heat into his accessories. He eventually had to refrain from this technique, as it made a mess of her curtains. Therefore, I am firmly on your side of the argument, Mrs I.C. and your friend owes you a bottle of the Original and Superior. As your name and address is supplied, I may well manifest myself in the Brentwood area in the near future and call around for a small tipple. I’m sure we could enjoy a moment together during one of your sessions with Eric, it would all add to his perceived prowess anyway.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: It would be possible for you to boost your husband’s staying power in other ways too. Have you thought of including the time spent commuting to and from the bedroom, removing his clothes, and caring for the health and well being of his old man? All could be interpreted as bona fide parts of the act of making sweet love to a lady such as yourself.