Mrs M.M of Basingstoke, Hampshire writes “Dear Auntie Doris, I have a problem of a personal nature that is threatening the very fabric of my 23 year marriage. The thing is, I can’t help trumping whilst I am having carnal relations with my husband. It has got so bad that every time he pushes, I trump. And the more I try not to trump, the more I trump. What makes it worse is the fact that, as a result of the volume of gas inside my tummy decreasing with each trump, the pitch of the subsequent trump is a little higher than the one before, this produces a gradually ascending scale. Even worse, I have become so distracted by this, that I cannot reach a crescendo before the sound of my trumps does, that is before they get to the point that they are only detectable by our Irish Wolfhound Flossie, who starts panting excitedly on the other side of the bedroom door. My husband has never mentioned any of this, as he is a gentleman, but I am sure that he is aware of it, and It must dampen his ardour somewhat. The other day, when I believed that he was shuddering to I mighty climax, I realised that he was in fits of silent laughter. I feel so embarrassed, and do not know where to turn. What should I do?” Ruddy Nora Mrs M.M, you certainly do have a difficulty. Have you tried going easy on the fizzy drinks, cabbage and baked beans? Of course you have, you sound like a sensible girl. So in that case, I have a more radical solution. Drink a two litre bottle of diet lemonade about an hour before bedtime, and then (in the garden, or somewhere else well out of your husband’s earshot) have a good old session of belching and trumping until you can belch and trump no more. Then do some jumping up and down and jogging on the spot for ten minutes to dislodge anything that is left. Finally go for a well deserved wee. After that you should be ready to enjoy some vigorous carnal relations without embarrassment.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: As an extra precaution I might suggest purchasing a plug from a reputable supplier such as Doc Johnson (available online at Amazon!) This device will prevent anything escaping from the back way during lovemaking, solid, liquid or gas, baby!)