Mrs T.M of Maidenhead, Berkshire writes: “Dear Auntie Doris. I just don’t seem to be interested in the physical side of marriage these days. Don’t get me wrong, my husband of over 30 years is a lovely man, and nothing like some of the chaps I have seen described in your other writings. But I still find myself recoiling from his advances. Somehow all the passion seems to have gone out of our relationship. What should I do?” Well, Mrs T.M. When a woman is feeling a lack of interest in having carnal relations with a man who she is clearly fond of, I always suggest getting her beef dripping. I used to swear by it. I used to keep a pot in the pantry, and when my Raymond was feeling that way inclined (it did actually happen a few times in the 1940s and maybe the early 50s) I used to say, “Raymond! There’s no point in carrying on like that, until you get my beef dripping!” He didn’t used to like it. In fact he used to roll his eyes and mutter to himself as if I was asking him to take the Bex Bissell to the staircase. But in the end he would go down and sort me out. Lovely it was. You can tell a woman who regularly gets her beef dripping. There is a glow in her cheeks and a glint in her eye, and she actually seems to walk better, with a real spring in her step, as if she has had all her joints lubricated. It doesn’t matter what age a woman is. If she regularly has her beef dripping, she will seem ten years younger. I have known some women who say that they are vegetarians, and the whole concept turns their stomachs. But are they happy? Do they have the strength to keep a marriage together for the long haul? Do you know a vegetarian couple who have been married for any length of time? Are they happy? If you think they are, take a close look at the husband. Does he look fulfilled? Think of Paul McCartney for God’s sake. Dead or alive, he looked a darn sight healthier when he was married to that lass with the gammy leg than he ever did when Linda was on the scene. Get your beef dripping. You can’t go wrong!
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: Lady… I’m an American gentleman. I have to say that I haven’t got the faintest idea what Auntie Doris is talking about. Just put some nice music on, dress sassy, light some candles and open a bottle of wine. If nothing develops… Well… there’s more than one use for a candle.