Mrs L.H. of South west Surrey writes. “Dear Auntie Doris, when he is at home, my husband seems to spend almost all his time on the internet, and when I approach him, he changes what is on the screen very quickly, with a guilty look on his face. The other day, whilst he was out, I looked through his browsing history, to discover that his online life seems to revolve around “specialist” websites featuring information and images of Janette Krankie, the diminutive schoolboy impersonating scots funster, who almost broke her ruddy neck in a 2004 fall from a giant beanstalk. After hiding behind the curtains in his study, and observing him online, I am now convinced that he is ‘pleasing himself’ whilst watching videos of the Krankies, specifically those which feature mainly Janette, on YouTube. Should I confront him?” Mrs L.H. Rest assured that as Janette Krankie is now in her late sixties, you husband can never be accused of being a pedagogue. However he is clearly a sick and depraved man, and the sooner you come to terms with this fact, the better. I would advise against confronting him. If you do he will more than likely deny everything, and then carry on his activities even more secretively, perhaps even seeking the society of other men with similar tastes, and you will lose him forever. As an alternative you could let him know in more subtle ways that you were on to his little secret. Perhaps you could fire ink pellets at him from your vantage point behind the curtains, and maybe if this tactic aroused him, you could reveal yourself, maybe dressed in a school uniform which would look more fitting on a small boy. Perehaps in this guise you could slowly wean him off the internet and introduce him to more healthy hobbies, such as collecting tadpoles in old jam jars, pulling the legs off insects, or firing at tin cans with a pea shooter. Then, one day whilst he is out having fun in the garden, send the ruddy computer back to PC world and hope he doesn’t notice.
Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: if you do send the computer back to the computer store, make sure that you have triple cleaned the hard drive first, using a deep, purging software, that leaves no trace of material that has been stored on it. It would be a disaster if staff at PC World, or subsequent users of the computer, inadvertently discovered photographic or video material relating to Janette Krankie.