Auntie Doris’s Sexual Healing, featuring Marvin Gaye #2: The Coffee Table

Coffee TableMrs S.C. Of Witney, Oxfordshire, writes: ” Dear Auntie Doris, When my husband came home from IKEA with a glass coffee table the other week, I was delighted. It looked lovely over the leopardskin rug in the lounge, and went so well with the French windows and the overmantle mirror from John Lewis. But ever since the day he brought it into the house, he has been pestering me to do my business on it, whilst he lies underneath and fiddles with himself. What should I do?” First things first, you have to accept that your husband is an irredeemable vile, filthy, filthy, beastly so and so who really ought to have his neck wrung. Once you have accepted that, it would be a good idea to get him to buy a piece of plastic sheeting large enough to cover that leopardskin rug. And just as a matter of interest, there are curtains over those French windows, aren’t there dear? The fact is that men have some ruddy weird peccadilloes, and nothing much surprises me any more. In my opinion as long as animals and children aren’t involved and nobody gets hurt, you might as well give him what he wants rather than having him moping around the house with a miserable face for weeks on end. Once the party was over though, I would present him with a pinny, a mop and bucket full of warm soapy water, a bottle of stardrops, and a can of Mr Sheen. You go and have a nice relaxing bath whilst he sorts the mess out. He will more than likely have a grumble, but he will certainly think twice about asking for a repeat performance. He will probably have got it out of his system anyway. You might be able to persuade him to get you something nice in return for never speaking about the whole sorry incident again. How about having a nice golden shower in the bathroom? Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: Get in the mood for your evening of indulging him, by going out for a romantic candlelit dinner at your local curry house. A vindaloo washed down with a couple of glasses of strong lager will ensure some explosive and steamy results when you get your man back home!

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