Auntie Doris’s Sexual Healing, featuring Marvin Gaye #1: Anne of Green Gables.

Anne GG

Mr M.G. Of Surrey Heath, writes: “Dear Auntie Doris. Five days ago, whilst naked and alone in the house, I accidentally sat on my wife’s favourite china ornament, a seven inch Royal Dalton “Anne of Green Gables” figurine. At some point during the incident, Anne’s head snapped off, and unfortunately I have not been able to retrieve it from my fundament. So far I have managed to conceal this from my wife, but I am becoming worried, as I have as yet been unable to retrieve the head, and I am starting to experience discomfort when visiting the lavatory. What course of action would you suggest?” Well, First of all, Mr M.G. you have to come to terms with the fact that you are a filthy so and so of the highest order. But don’t worry, most men go through a phase of accidentally sitting on objects whilst naked and alone at some point in their lives. My Sister Pearl always used to wonder what had happened to the copper jam ladle she kept hanging up in her Welsh dresser, until her George went into hospital with abdominal cramps and she saw the x-rays. She never put it on display again after the surgeon gave her it back. The good news is that your own G.P. will almost certainly have heard it all before, and more than likely have had a similar misadventure himself at some point. If you are lucky he will be able to retrieve the head himself with a pair of forceps specially constructed for such situations, which most doctors keep close to hand. More awkward cases may require a visit to the local day surgery unit, and you have to be prepared for the possibility of what the medics call “a Joe Bugner” (having stitches in the ring). Once you have the head back, simply rinse it in warm soapy water and re attach it to the figurine with cow gum. You filthy sod.

Marvin Gaye’s Glistening Tip: your local store may well stock products which are designed for men who are prone to accidentally sitting on things when naked. Argos retail the Scholl “I pop” handheld massager for under £20. It comes in a range of bright, modern colours, but sadly, batteries are not included in the price.

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