Big John Holmes starred in well over 100 “entertainment” films of the 1970s and 1980s. He was a terrible actor, and no oil painting to look at, but he did have an immense honourable member, which, once seen, was not easily forgotten. He reckoned that he had it insured for 14 million pounds, a million pounds for every inch, but who on Earth he got to draw up a policy like that is anyone’s guess. I had my Raymond insured with the Prudential, but they never mentioned the possibility of just insuring his middle wicket. Not that you could have insured it for all that much anyway. Perhaps if I had tried the Norwich Union?
John Holmes’s John Thomas earned him plenty of money, but having one as big as that was not without its drawbacks. If he got too excited in bed at night, it would often whip the duvet off the rest of his body. What was worse was that he couldn’t wake up and wrap himself back up, because it had drained the blood from his brain, causing him to faint whilst asleep. Quite often, he would wake up in the morning with a nasty cold and have to cancel filming for a few days. Sometimes the studio would lose patience with him, and ring up his arch enemy, King Dong to take his place. Dong was less likely to catch a cold during the night, as he lived in Africa, which is significantly warmer than Holmes’s residence at 221b Baker Street. In fact Dong’s major problem was mosquito bites, which caused his Appleby Magna to swell up, actually increasing its market value.
Sadly, by the late 1980s Big John had got a bit down in the dumps about the money he was losing to King Dong, and started to dabble in over the counter medicines. On the night of March the 13th 1988, he foolishly dissolved upwards of 30 Alka Seltzers in to a mug of Lem-Sip, which he then used to wash down the contents of a jar of Haliboranges. in the early hours of the following morning his body was found slumped over his four poster bed by a man walking his dog. A tragic end to the career of a man once described as “the Elvis Presley of generously endowed men”
On the other side, Big John now chuckles over his career in the film industry, and spends his time sticking together the pages of his extensive collection of 1970s gentleman’s magazines.
John’s advice to the living: it ain’t the size of your equipment that counts, its how you use it. Use it wisely, and you will live a long, dull life.