Auntie Doris’s They Died Too Young: #9 Barbara Cartland. Died: 21st May 2000. Aged 98.

cartland460What a woman! She was the writer of over seven thousand racy romance novels set in the olden days when men were men and women were ravishing beauties. She was an accomplished airline pilot, an international recording artiste, and the inventor of a tiny pill which could increase brain power by up to three hundred percent. She was also a pioneer in the field of rubbing bee’s jelly into your neck to stave off the possibility of ending up looking like Helen “Gail Platt” Worth. She counted Winston Churchill amongst her personal friends and she was a Tory politician who wanted to bring back hanging for women who wore flat shoes. What was not to like about Mary Barbara Hamilton Cartland? My uncle Godfrey used to model himself on her (when Aunt Beryl was out of the house) He kept a scrapbook full of pictures of her in a box under the floorboards, and used to get through a ton of make up trying to recreate the delicate feminine charm of her face on his own ugly mug. Beryl had to put her foot down when he ruined one too many of her corsets trying to replicate the Cartland figure. She gave him a thick ear, and told him that if this business was going to carry on, he would have to buy his own clothing and make up. In a desperate bid to raise the cash for such purchases, Godfrey started writing novels, which met with some success, titles such as “A Virgin in Bassetlaw”, “Lord Ravenscar’s Rectal Complaint” and “Fanny at Five Acre Farm, earning him money which he lavished on lingerie, bee’s jelly and heavy duty make-up. Sadly Aunt Beryl came home one evening to find his naked body, stone dead on the kitchen floor. He had strangled himself with his own bra straps. The coroner was unable to determine whether it was suicide or a terrible accident sustained whilst he was trying to put the bra on. Barbara Cartland however, had no such problems, as she had a team of well oiled muscular eunuch dwarves to deal with the application and removal of her lingerie each day. On the other side, Barbara spends most of her time either snogging, or talking about snogging. She ruddy loves it! Barbara’s advice to the living: Keep bees, eat their honey, and rub their jelly into your necks, or anywhere else you fear may be at risk of wrinkling.

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