Marvin. He was a friend of mine. He still is on the other side. He’s always telling me that we should get it on and I’m always telling him he’s got to give it up. Ohh we have endless fun. Things have not always been as happy for himthough. When his own father shot him dead on April Fools Day 1985, it left not only a gaping hole in Marvin’s chest, but a gaping hole in the music business as well. A hole that has never been properly filled either, despite the best efforts of Rick Astley, Terence Trent D’Arby and Phil Collins. Imagine getting shot by your own dad. Apparently Marvin had given him the gun as a present too. Some people just have no gratitude. Marvin Gaye Senior was a wicked so and so. He followed the Joseph Walter Jackson School of parenting, which, whilst effective at producing musical geniuses, cost a fortune in leather belts and produced nasty side effects such as bed-wetting, drug addiction, and costly sexual peccadilloes. But I’m sure that Michael Jackson’s dad wouldn’t have gone as far as Mr Gaye. Not when he could have hired a doctor and got the same result. My dad was a bit of a bugger too. But he never took a belt to me, or shot me through the heart.
No. He was a nipper. If he considered that I had stepped out of line, he would summon me into his study (which doubled as our pantry), and after a solemn lecture, pinch me hard, either under my arm or on the inside of my thigh. And as he was of the opinion that little girls should be seen and not heard, I was quite often black and blue in those tender areas. I got him back though. I used to have a little wee in the bottom of his glass before I poured him his pale ale of an evening. Perhaps if Marvin or Michael had tried a similar tactic, they may have clung on to their sanities a bit longer. On the other side, Marvin takes a great interest in sexual problems of the living. He is considering using a living person with clairvoyant powers (such as my nephew Michael) to dispense “sexual healing” to all who ask for it. Marvin’s advice to the living: If you are wondering what to get your dad for Christmas this year, play safe. Socks, slippers, or a CD of my greatest hits are much better gifts than small firearms.