Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #12. Libra: 24th September – 23rd October


Librarians have a strong sense of justice. If the grocer gives them too much change, they are honest about it, and return the extra cash. They always keep their promises and they always return a favour. Unfortunately, with some Librarians, the sense of justice can become a bit obsessive, and they will set out to single handedly put the world’s problems to rights. My father was a librarian. He had a strong sense of justice but after he was hit in the face by a potato thrown by my mother in a domestic dispute, he became convinced that all rude and Ill mannered people should be punished. Whenever he heard anyone speaking crudely or being inconsiderate in public, he claimed to hear the voice of The Lord God Almighty in his head, telling him to pinch them very hard and then to get away as quickly as he could. He was very good at doing this. In a crowd, on a bus, in a shop, on the street, in the middle of town or at the seaside, he could bring up a bruise the size and colour of an old ha’penny and be out of the way before his victim even realised that they had been hurt. He didn’t get caught for months either. But people were talking, and it wasn’t long before the local paper got hold of the story. The search for the Yorkshire Nipper was on! The police net was closing in on the day he made a dramatic leap from the 10.20 train from Hull to Scarborough. Fortunately it was standing on the platform at Bridlington Station at the time, and he survived with only grazed knees. However he was arrested and spent the rest of his days at St Dymphna’s Hospital for the criminally bewildered. The only time he ever saw the outside world again was through the windows of a yellow bus. Librarians. Don’t fall into the same trap as the Yorkshire Nipper. If you hear voices in your head, don’t worry, it will probably only be your old, dead friend, Auntie Doris. And I would never tell you to do anything that would get you into trouble. Would I? Famous Librarians: Philip Larkin, Peter Sutcliffe, James Robertson Justice, Mary Whitehouse, Aileen Wuornos

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