Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #11. Virgo 23rd August – 23rd September


Virgo is the sign of the virgin, and as everybody knows Virgoians are either shy, quiet types, slow to join in and quick to blush, or brash outgoing business types, flying around the world in hot air balloons, founding phone and cable television companies and signing the groups like the Sexy Pistols to their record label. Either way it is unlikely that they have sexual intercourse with an actual real living partner very often. If at all. My Raymond had a friend, Albert, who was a Virgoian. He was the business type. He used to work on the docks and always managed to come out with some booze or tobacco that he could sell down the pub. He once cycled to Knaresborough too, and one time, he got up a petition to get the inkspots on at the Majestic Cinema. It never came to anything though, and it’s a carpet warehouse now. Anyway. I heard it on the grapevine that he was unable to perform in the bedroom department due to a congenital disagreement with his John Thomas due to it having been trapped in a vice by a sadistic woodwork teacher at the reformatory. I don’t know whether it is true or not, but I do know he was fond of woodwork, and the company of other men (such as my Raymond), and I never saw him with a woman. Apart from our Madge that time, and she had had three bottles of milk stout and mistook him for the chimney sweep. Anyway…. Virgoians. Try and get out more. Try not to think about doing it with every member of the opposite sex that you meet. Try not to think about selling things to them either. Just be friendly and cheerful and let them talk about themselves. Above all listen. People find that attractive. Keep that up for a few weeks and your cherry will soon be a distant memory that you can look back on and laugh at. Famous Virgoians: Anne Widdicombe, Cliff Richards, Margaret Rutherford, Hank Marvin, Peter Crouch.


You are allowed to comment... I don't ruddy bite, you know...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s