Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #10. Leo: 23rd July – 22nd August


Leonians can be ruddy frightening people, all hair and teeth and raging and roaring and carrying on. When a Leonian starts getting a bit tetchy, the best thing to do is say something along the lines of “Don’t bite my head off! I was only asking if you fancied a cup of tea” or something like that. You may find that they prefer a cup of hot bovril to tea, and in emergencies, it may be wise to give them a lump of raw steak and leave them alone for a few hours. My cousin Pearl’s husband George was a Leonian and she got by by hiding his dentures and feeding him oxtail soup until he calmed down. The surprising fact about Leonians though, is that beneath all the bluster, they can be really nice cuddly people when you get to know them. Pearl soon found that out about George. He would pounce on her and maul her with his dirty great paws, but once she had pulled him off and sorted him out, he was a tame as a kitten. In fact he often used to fall asleep, which gave her a bit of time to calm down with the cooking sherry. Leonians, control yourselves, learn to listen to your inner kitten. All that posturing means that very often others are afraid to give you the things you crave. You might want to consider going on tablets for your nerves, or taking up a relaxing hobby such as boxing or smoking. Perhaps you are due a holiday. Filey is nice at this time of year. Famous Leonians: Leo Sayer, Leo McKern, Leo Blair, Leona Lewis, Darth Vadar.

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