Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #6. Aries: 21st March – 20th April


Aries is the sign of the ram, and as we all know rams are sex mad. Same thing with Arieans. This is alright for the young, but there comes a time in the life of every sex maniac when their bodies can no longer keep up with the desires of their crazed brains, which is a recipe for disaster. And apart from that, they may take on characteristics of the opposite gender. For example, men might grow bosoms, then their wives find them more ridiculous than desirable, or women may grow discreet little beards, which may be quite charming to some men, but alas, not the majority. By a long chalk. The result of this is a slow sad descent into perversion. If you are an Ariean of a certain age, I have no doubt that you will know exactly what I mean. If you are not, but you have a close friend or relative who is, then one or two things might be starting to make sense right now. No, that substance in your underwear drawer is not copydex, whatever he says. No, that buzzing sound coming from her locked bedroom isn’t a faulty electric blanket. My advice to Arieans is to get on with it but be discreet, and ruddy well clean up after yourselves, you filthy so and sos. Famous Arieans: Benny Hill, Albert Steptoe, the Marquis de Sade, Dame Vera Lynn, Gary Glitter.

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