Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #5. Pisces: 20th February – 20th March


My Raymond used to pronounce Pisces in a funny way. He could be a crude so and so sometimes. We used to have a caravan at Withernsea, back in the days before these chemical toilets, so the site owner used to issue you with a pair of keys, one for the ladies and one for the gents. We used to keep them on a little key ring with a fish design on the fob, and every night, without fail, he would wake up at four in the morning and say “Doris… Where’s the piss keys?” It was funny at first, but after a few years of it I was ready to break his ruddy neck. Especially when he soaked the sheets whilst he was fumbling about for them in the bedside drawer. Anyway, if you were born under the sign of Pisces, you will be pleased to know that early onset incontinence is not an inevitability. However, it is possible that, unless you pay close attention to personal cleanliness, a fishy odour will follow you wherever you go. Particularly if you go to Withernsea and stay in a caravan. My advice would be to wear cotton underwear, rather than nylons and rubbers which cause undue sweating, and rinse them regularly in a solution of boiling water and dettol. Famous Pisceans: Chris Eubanks, Theresa May, Gordon Ramsey, Nigella Lawson, Nigel Lawson.

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