Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #3: Capricorn: 22nd December – 20 January

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In my experience, people born under the sign of Capricorn are always moaning about being overlooked in life. This largely stems from the fact that their birthdays are always too near Christmas and the New Year, so they either get a combined Christmas and birthday present, or people are too hard up to get them anything decent. If you are a Capricornian, now is a good time to stop whittering and stand up for yourself. If you want to have the good things in life, then you are going to have to go out and get them, because they aren’t going to come to you. Unless you are involved in that ‘internet shopping’ malarkey. Apparently, internet shopping is ideal for Capricornians, because it does come to you and you don’t have to go out and get it. But don’t come moaning to me if you order three pairs of American Tan tights and they send you something outlandish like cobalt blue. And especially, don’t come moaning if your nephew rips a pair to shreds with his ruddy long toenails and gets them blathered in what he says is copydex before you get the chance to take them back to the shop and ask for your money back. Filthy so and so. Famous Capriconians: Noel Edmonds, Noel Coward, Noel Gallagher, Noele Gordon, Noel Fielding

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