Auntie Doris’s Guide to the Zodiac #1. Scorpio: 24th October – 22nd November

ScoSince the dawn of time, man has gazed up at the stars and pondered over life’s problems and dilemmas. Do the answers lie up there in the heavens? Do these distant points of light actually have an influence on our successes and failures, matters of the heart, our health and well being? Of course they ruddy do! Just as the moon can influence the movement of the tides and the chemistry of lunatics’ brains, so, in much tinier, more subtle ways, can the stars and planets influence our actions, and the actions of those around us. Since passing over to the other side, I have made a study of astrology, and now, I am ready to share my insights with you. The journey will not be a comfortable one, and will not be for the faint hearted, as many ‘home truths’ will be revealed along the way. But stick with it, and by the time we have examined all twelve signs of the zodiac together, you might be a little bit wiser.

Scorpions are creepy little so and sos, scuttling about all over the place, ready to sting anyone that treads on them. And so it is with people who are born under the star sign of Scorpio. Take my cousin Pearl for instance. Just like her, they more than likely think that they are a bit better than everyone else they know, and as a consequence, look down their noses at people. They are very fond of stuff like fake tans and expensive nicknacks, and during the war they would have rubbed gravy powder into their legs if it wasn’t on rationing. The Lord alone knows why. If a Scorpian takes the hump with you, beware of the sting. It may be as small a thing as a simple misunderstanding over a tea caddy, but they will end up not speaking to you for years, and even when they do, it will only be spiteful comments about your husband having a bosom or something. If you are a Scorpio, then it is about time you learned a little humility. Try being nice to people once in a while. And remember, Mother always said that I could have that tea caddy when she was gone. Famous Scorpians: Margaret Thatcher, Myrah Hindley, Dale Winton, David Dickinson, Lovejoy.

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